Dear Editor, Mayor Healy, City Council, State Senator Sacco, President Obama, et al:
My name is Melissa Surach. I am a 28-year-old Caucasian female living in Jersey City. I am writing to inform you that you have not yet given me an award. Many people have received awards for “cultivating the arts” in Jersey City, but my award shelves remain empty despite cultivating the crap out of the arts for over four years.
My comedy show, BabyHole, is the longest-running comedy show in Jersey City and it’s the only one that no one’s ever been shot at. Every one loves my travelmentary series, “Hey! It’s Jersey City,” and my public access show, “Melicious Bottomvomit” (shot in and about Jersey City) will debut shortly. I’ll invite you to the party. That would probably be an opportune time to give me an award, so that a lot of people will see.
I’d hoped that the issue of my award would come up during the elections last month, but surprisingly, no one raised it at any debates. Here is an opportunity for you to remedy this – when I’m protesting Not Having an Award in front of your offices at City Hall next week. I will be lady on the lawn wearing gold body paint. How will you say no to the post-it notes on broomsticks banging on your windows, and my handsome gold face?
You might recognize me from my calendar, “Melissa Surach 2009,” which delights people as it hangs in all the bars, just like I do. Another reason to garner me with an award is that I am as smart as I am beautiful. My sudoku skills are unsurpassed, and I have luscious hair. However, I’m more of an inspiration to this city than anything else. Many townspeople attend my shows because of my badgering and radiance. I’m like a loud sun. In addition, not only does my award-starved show provide entertainment, it also provides a safe space to get drunk for cheap on a Tuesday night.
I believe that Jersey City has a “poet laureate.” I don’t know what that means, but I assume it has something to do with living out of one’s car. I don’t even have a car, much less a laureate. Please attend to this immediately. I don’t mean to sound bossy. I don’t really have a preference over which award you present me with, just when you give it to me – now. And I might be leaning towards a Key to the City.
Sometimes I love this town so much it makes me want to slap people.
PS If you would like to sponsor my public access show so that I can broadcast it across the entire state, please email me at Melissa@melissasurach.com and I’ll send you a rate card.