Saving Meg Ryan

Meg Ryan’s life is in shambles. She’s probably hanging onto her sanity by her fingertips. For God’s sake, she adopted a Chinese baby, a sure sign of a woman without hope or direction.

Her last few movies tanked, even the serious efforts like “In the Cut” and “Against the Ropes.”

Tom Hanks has gone onto blockbusters and bad haircuts. Billy Crystal killed with his one-man show. Cameron Diaz and Drew Barrymore now own romantic comedies, which were Meg’s bread and butter. In her last one, “Kate and Leopold,” people complained they saw – gasp! – wrinkles on Meg’s face.

It gets worse. Dennis Quaid is remarried. Russell Crowe has married. Craig Bierko has moved on. A recent scary rumor surfaced that she was seeing Matthew Perry. There was a time you wouldn’t dare mention Perry’s name in the same paragraph as The Meg-ster.

I know why she never attends the Academy Awards. She can’t get a date. I pray if she ever makes an appearance, that it’s not on the arm of her son – a clear sign one’s life has become a social cave-in.

Was it the puffed up lips? Or was it the wild hair, once beloved, that’s now generating a nasty backlash from fashionistas? The cheating with Crowe, which she swore happened after her marriage was shot? Did fans simply move on to newer models? Look at what happened to Michelle Pfeiffer, who did nothing to her lips.

This is cultural and artistic tragedy.

When Demi Moore crashed and burned, no one cared.

When Debra Winger left the business it was sad, but no one cared.

When Julia Ormond vanished no one cared.

When Calista Flockhart took a hiatus, no one noticed.

But this is America’s sweetheart floundering through her forties with nary a life preserver tossed her way.

Frankly, I thought her performance in “In The Cut” was brave, blasting away her previous image.

Here is my life preserver: Meg needs to do Broadway.

I know, Julia sort of bombed last year, but that shouldn’t deter her. What she needs is material that will showcase her entire arsenal, her complete range. A one-woman show that will dwarf all others.

Her magnificence will blossom once again and offers will come flooding in. Her life and career will soar as never before.

I just happen to have a bunch of monologues lying around. All I need is a contact number.

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