Hal Wastes His Wages Apocalypse soon

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you have lived to see the Year of Our Lord 2006. The past year was certainly a turbulent one, so much that it has many people beginning to wonder if the time is nigh, that the end of days are upon us. I figure why not join the line of alarmist crackpots and share my theories on why there will be no 2007.


Mother Nature certainly had her hot flashes this past year. We had a tsunami, earthquakes, wildfires, tornadoes, and flash-flooding – not to mention the worst hurricane season on record. The Red Cross has seen more TV time than Paris Hilton, which in my mind is a good thing, but for the wrong reasons.


To paraphrase Vizzini from The Princess Bride, we’ve fallen victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia – I’ve got us at two, and counting. Meanwhile it’s becoming painfully obvious that Orwell was about 22 years off the mark, as our individual rights are falling by the wayside like spent shells from an M-60 on full auto. Abortion, an issue that was supposedly decided 33 years ago, is still being hotly debated while our own citizens remain homeless and hungry months after their government promised to look after them. In the midst of all this, qualified leaders like Arnold Schwarzenegger sit in charge of one of our most populous states as Donald Trump eyes a run at New York. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather see Gary Coleman.


Arrested Development is in danger of being pulled off the air, yet there are multiple shows on numerous networks involving wife-swapping. In the battle between Dancing with the Stars and Ice Skating with the Stars, FOX pulls out the trump card by showing blood in the commercial. I saw that and just thought to myself, “How the hell did FOX get the broadcasting rights to the decline of civilization?”

Every time this network comes up with some crazy $#!+ and you think, “all right, that’s about as low as they can go,” they dig deeper into their programming sewer and churn out an even bigger piece of crap. You know it’s just a matter of time before “Who Wants to Marry the Anti-Christ?” premieres right after “That ’90s Show,” or some other insipid piece of rubbish. If there are any FOX programming execs reading this, I want royalties on this junk when it DOES come out – because you know it will.


The Red Sox and White Sox have won consecutive World Series. Need I say more?

So there you have it – indisputable evidence that the end is near. We’ve had a good run, and I wish the best of luck to who or whatever inhabits this little corner of the universe after we’re wiped clean. I just hope they’re able to get the stains out.

q Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.


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