And Then There were Four
There are some things that you never picture happening: United Airlines actually caring about its customers; Hoboken not having Porta Potties alternating with piles of dog poop on each block; and Teresa Giudice doing yoga with Danielle Staub. Well, spoiler alert, the season’s finale ended with a photograph of T & D side-by-side, cross-legged in a Namaste pose. I don’t know what yoga class that was taken in, but I hope there wasn’t a table in the room.
So if those two could be all Zen together, will United be reinstating my expired air mileage they refuse to do? Will Hoboken finally be a crap-free zone? Well, hope springs eternal, but until then I guess I’ll have to fly Jet Blue and dodge the land mines of doogie poo that proliferate the sidewalks and streets I pay exorbitantly high taxes to maintain.
Onto the show…the fashion show that is. Melissa is busy prepping for Envy’s first fashion show while her partner, Jackie, is in the Bahamas. “Thank you, Jackie. Have a pina colada for me,” Melissa snarkily imparts her well wishes. Thank goodness, sister-in-law Teresa steps in to give much needed advice to the models such as, “Give it more lip.”
At the fashion show, Tre displays not only her fashion savvy but her political prowess as well. While talking to her brother, Joe, she compares Jacqueline to Osama bin Laden. “Jacqueline plants bombs,” she states matter-of-factly as if she just stepped out of Obama’s war room. Look at you, girl, being so up-to-date on your world events. There is an awkward greeting between Teresa and the Wakiles that resembles what might be an exchange at the Port Authority bus terminal between Donald Trump and a homeless man wearing a “Make America Great Again” button.
While Melissa is telling the models to “Turn into Sasha Fierce” and give everyone their best JLo, Siggy is telling Teresa that she wants to invite all the girls to lunch at her house. “Do you have insurance?” Tre inquires only half in jest. Meanwhile, Melissa complains that she can’t get the girls out onto the runway fast enough while Richie Wakile asks during a lull in the action, “Is it over now?” Richie, I don’t know if you’re talking about the fashion show or interest in the whole RHONJ season, but either way, the answer is similar.
Dolores meets her ex-husband, Frank, for a meal in a nice restaurant, and actually picks up the tab. She’s proud that she’s now financially standing on her own two feet and no longer has to take money from him – unless, of course, he offers. She thanks him for everything so far. “It sounds like you’re breaking up with me,” Frank responds. Then, for a few fleeting moments of jokingly considering getting back together, cooler heads prevail. Dolores says that’s not gonna happen and Frank looks visibly relieved. Anyway, both of them are respectively involved in other relationships – Frank apparently is with a new girlfriend, and Dolores seems to be in a menage a trois with Siggy and Teresa.
Teresa’s lawyer pays her a visit and Tre divulges her plans. She wants to get certified to teach yoga and she may be putting the house up for sale. That may be wise since it’s hard to pay a $3 million mortgage on a yoga instructor’s salary – unless, of course, you happen to sell a lot of incense as well.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, aka Dolores’s kitchen, D and her mom are making lunch with Siggy and her mother. Dolores tells her mother, “Come on vacation with me.” Her mother responds, “I dreamt I was on a plane; that’s good enough for me.” Now, there’s a woman who’s low maintenance. Siggy’s conversation with her mother has a bit more substance. As she picks up a piece of prosciutto or capicola or some other Italian cured delicacy, she gently offers this piece of advice to her mom, “You can’t have this – it’s not kosher.” I have to say the spread looked delectable though. I never had linguini latkes before, but I’d give them a shot.
Siggy then goes on to tell the story of how she shoplifted to stay in America. I imagine Winona Ryder turned up the volume at this point as Siggy tells us that she stole clothing in various sizes to keep her from going back to Israel. The judge wound up dismissing the case when he realized that even though American sizes tend to run a good two sizes bigger in cut than European, even Siggy was probably too small for a size 14 schmatta. Still, Donald Trump would like to learn more about this strategy illegal immigrants may try to employ to stay in this country. He already warned us that the Justice Department can’t be trusted.
Dolores continues to use the endearing expression, “Do not feed the animals,” when it comes to describing the interaction between the housewives. It’s an interesting way to refer to your group of friends. But, then again, Dolores seemed to provoke Jacqueline with guilt for not coming to “ladies night” at her gym despite the fact that she knew Jacq was quite sick at the time.
Good ole’ Joe Gorga has to make at least one more sexual innuendo before the season ends. When wife Melissa comes home from her job at Envy, he serves the pasta dinner he made especially for her. He even apologizes for saying that she brings in crumbs when he brings in cake. Melissa looks appreciative when she inquires, “You need my crumbs?” Then she asks if he can get her a cappuccino. “I like it with a candy stick,” she adds. Of course, that creates the perfect opportunity for Joe to offer, “I got the candy stick you like.” Ugh. Right there I would’ve changed my order to a Scotch on the rocks with a splash of “don’t make me laugh.” But Melissa knows any pasta dish her husband makes is bound to be doused in cheese.
The much anticipated pow-wow to settle the row that took place between Teresa, Melissa, and Jacqueline in Vermont draws near. Siggy has moved the venue from her house to a restaurant. Obviously, she either doesn’t have insurance or the deductible is too high. She hires a security guard and removes the knives from the table. Teresa, on her way to the sit-down, sets the tenor of the meeting by referring to Jacqueline as “a cuckoo bird” and “an alien who doesn’t leave her house.” Jacqueline arrives at the restaurant and she and Siggy, who was afraid she wouldn’t show, embrace and have a good cry. Siggy has cried more this season than John Boehner watching The Notebook. To set the stage for healing, Dolores apologizes to Jacqueline for calling her a be-atch.
Jacqueline makes it clear that she wants to speak to Teresa and Melissa individually, but she really has no interest in Melissa. “She’s not important,” she emphasizes as she dismisses her friend’s sister-in-law. Then, when Tre and Melissa show up, Jacq starts barking orders for Teresa to sit down. Helloooo – this is Teresa to the G that you’re talking to, Jacqueline. Of course, Tre is going to respond to your dictations with a patent Tre remark. “I’m not her child. I didn’t come out of her vagina.” Yeah, her hair wouldn’t even fit through it. Then Jacq asks Melissa to leave the room, which Melissa doesn’t take to kindly. “Bitch, I am not your dog,” she tells the camera, which is kinda confusing because a bitch is a dog, but no matter, we know the obligatory fight is about to go down.
“You’re evil to the core,” Tre lobs to Jacqueline who counters with, “They’re f**king animals.” Guess Dolores was right about not feeding the animals. Jacq has enough and gets up to leave. “Run, Forrest, run,” Dolores adds as Jacqueline runs out of the restaurant, which you have to admit, was pretty darn funny. Life is like a box of housewives. You never know what you’re gonna get – but it’s probably gonna be a nut.
Siggy and Dolores run after Jacqueline into the restaurant parking lot. Dolores takes off her shoes in order to run faster. Siggy does not follow suit, preferring to be more pragmatic. “I just got a pedicure,” she yells. Hey, if you were born in a bomb shelter, you’d be a bit more cautious in life too. “What if there’s glass in your feet?” she calls to Dolores, to which Dolores answers, “You’ll pick it out.” Ahhh, yes, as the Dionne Warwick song goes, That’s what friends are for.
Teresa sums up her relationship with Jacqueline by saying, “She’s dead to me. I wanted to give her the kiss of death today.” Then she thanks the rest of her friends for their support. The mass is over; go in peace.
And that brings us to screen shots of each housewife and a summary of what each has been up to since the show stopped filming. I may have taken some license with Bravo’s reporting. Dolores is making money with her gym. She makes sure she doesn’t feed the animals. Melissa is seeing an increase in online sales for her boutique, Envy. She’s learned not to ask her husband to bring her a cappuccino. Siggy may or may not still be working as a relationship expert. She hasn’t stopped crying long enough to verbalize what she’s been doing. Jacqueline is busy in her role as “Glamma” to her daughter Ashlee’s baby. We’re not sure if the baby was born with a hat. Teresa and Jacqueline haven’t spoken. Tre is on her journey to become a certified yoga instructor. As you read this, she and Danielle Staub are probably trading tips on how to do a proper Warrior pose.
Don’t forget to tune in to the two-part reunion. As for me, what am I going to do with all my newfound free time on Sunday evenings? Guess I’ll be checking Jet Blue fares and taking in the sights and smells of autumn walks in the land of Porta Potties.
Eileen Budd is a comedienne and writer who is currently working on an anthology of true stories of mid-life daters. If you have a dating story that happened to you (funny, inspiring, or downright weird), please send it to: email@example.com. To hear a few of the stories, come to a reading at Symposia Bookstore on Washington Street in Hoboken on December 2! Watch this spot for more details!
And Then There were Four