Our slightly cracked predictionsReporter psychics tell you what’ll happen in 2009

Tired of straight news? Well, just for this story, we’re implementing a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and not checking the accuracy of the rumors below. After all, the internet does it as a matter of course; we only do this once a year! This is what we think may happen during the coming year. And we’ve got psychic powers, we swear!
If we don’t, just go watch another few episodes of “John Edward Cross Country.” Is there someone in your family whose name begins with an S? First, middle or last? Any pets? Fleas? See? Told you we’re psychic. We have ESPN – all five versions!

JANUARY

After the creators of Guitar Hero catch West New York Mayor Sal Vega in his holiday commercials with Santa Claus, they offer him $15 million to rock out with the Easter Bunny in their next commercial.

Hoboken Councilwoman Beth Mason accidentally files one too many “OPRA” requests and has to spend the night with Stedman Graham.

After squashing the umpteenth Union City development project taller than four stories, activist Larry Price finally admits that he is afraid of heights.

In Jersey City, a new “park” opens in Newport Centre Mall. It consists of a painting of a playground and a green rug.

FEBRUARY

Secaucus activist Tom Troyer is elated when Town Council meetings are finally videotaped and aired. Unfortunately, Troyer can’t enjoy the meetings because he forgot to switch to digital TV.

At a loss for what to do about the recent influx of foreclosures in North Bergen, officials decide to follow the lead of a recent towing insurance scam. They begin tossing the houses off the cliffs surrounding the township.

MARCH

After a $4.6 billion dog run in Washington Park and a $12.3 billion skate park on 38th Street, Union City stays on the cutting edge with a $20 trillion dog skate park on Summit Avenue.

Hoboken Council members Dawn Zimmer and Beth Mason decide to compete with each other for mayor rather than working together, because they can’t get along with each other’s evil supporters. Instead, Zimmer allies herself with Attila the Hun, and Beth Mason has numerous meetings to get advice from Darth Vader.

Feeling left out, all of the other members of the Hoboken City Council announce they will also be running for office in the mayoral election this May.

APRIL

After two long years of hounding the Union City Board of Commissioners to fix the Town Hall ceilings, city officials finally buy Kathie Pontus a condo in the Caribbean.

In Hoboken, various mayoral candidates demand that Beth Mason use her maiden name, Abruzese, accusing her of using her married name only to pander to that city’s all-powerful Jewish vote.

Mason blows a fuse after Perry Belfiore tries to OPRA her third grade diary to prove she supported Nixon.

MAY

The city of Hoboken upgrades status of community center and pool from figment of imagination to pipe dream.

West New York Mayor Sal Vega tries the “lookin’ good” line on women at the checkout line of the local supermarket, but it proves to be a nonstarter.

Progress on “Mayor Jerramiah Healey’s Vision for Journal Square,” the massive redevelopment project, grinds to a halt when the mayor can’t remember where he left his glasses.

JUNE

With rising rents pushing the group out of its current hometown, Jersey City Lesbian & Gay Outreach decides to seek cheaper digs in Secaucus, next to the North End Firehouse.

In a run-off, Hoboken elects former Police Chief Carmen LaBruno as mayor. The former top cop promises annual trips to Mardi Gras, use of the city dock for boaters, and a gun for every waitress.

_____________

When you file too many OPRA requests, do you get your own talk show?
________

JULY

North Bergen, with its stable tax increases, fantastic children’s recreation programs, and senior activities, has finally become too perfect for itself and asks residents to cut down on smiling so hard.

The Hoboken City Council solves the budget deficit by fining frequent speaker Mo DeGennaro for every time he says “yuz” instead of “you” during a meeting.

After numerous public office attempts, Guttenberg residents Jeff Boss and Vasilios Scoullos decide to combine forces and become a super “also-ran” candidate in the New Jersey governor’s election, named Vasilios Boss.

Weehawken’s historical walking tours commemorate the town’s 150th anniversary. Surprisingly, the most popular tour is the site of George Clooney’s 2007 motorcycle accident.

AUGUST

After years of musical chairs in the mayor’s office, the city of Guttenberg decides to replace the mayor’s seat with an ejector seat (golden parachute not included).

The Hoboken City Council passes a resolution to refer to Director of Human Services Fred Bado as “Director Bado” and not “Mr. Bado” during televised council meetings, as the latter sounds salacious when said in a Hoboken accent.

SEPTEMBER

After a very rainy Weehawken Day, Mayor Turner erects a large tent over Lincoln Harbor to shield residents from the elements and from anyone flying overhead distributing flyers.

OCTOBER

Secaucus mayoral candidates Dennis Elwell and Michael Gonnelli decide to bury the hatchet weeks before the November election. Their truce brings about a news drought that forces the closure of the Secaucus Reporter.

A group of Hoboken young professionals, annoyed at the city’s 47 percent tax increase, beg their neighbors to show that they follow local affairs by writing letters of protest to the mayor. The next week, 1,000 angry letters arrive at Michael Bloomberg’s door.

NOVEMBER

Hoboken residents Mo DeGennaro and Richard Tremitiedi demand that the City Council award them “rollover minutes” for every meeting they didn’t speak at for the last five years.

DECEMBER

After a year long search, Hoboken city directors finally locate the lost PILOT agreements with major developers granted tax abatements. The contracts were filed under “Preferred Business Practices,” the one place no one had checked.