Editor’s note: This is an advice column for men and women who want a real opinion. Due to the saturated singles scene in Hudson County, the Current has found a relationship guru who will help with all your dating dilemmas. Look for advice here every other week.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
I’ve been seeing the perfect guy for about two months. I realize he’s not actually perfect, but I really believe that we’re perfect for each other. I know I love him, but he thinks we’re moving too fast. We spend a lot of time together. We met because we go to the same school. It was really great in the beginning, but he keeps saying that maybe we should slow down. He’s so sweet, always worrying about me, and he’s told me he doesn’t want either of us to get hurt in this. I don’t feel like this is going too fast. We’re pretty much living together, and he used to be really comfortable around me, but I think what he’s really worried about is my father. That’s because he works with my father at the community center, and he knows my dad can be awfully protective of me. He tried to end our relationship, and he swears it has nothing to do with my father, but I don’t believe that. We’re just such a good match. We have all the same interests and goals, and he’s made a big difference in my life in a short time. So how do I get him to see he doesn’t have to break up with me? – Met My Match
Dear Met My Match:
First of all, you need to relax, or he’s going to run far and fast. You can’t just decide that you’re perfect for each other and bully him into agreeing with you. You are being a stereotypical girl right now…a lot of guys complain that, when they’re in a relationship in which things are fun and going well, the girl suddenly turns up the heat and ruins the experience for them. You say he’s worried about your dad, but I think you’re making that excuse to avoid the reality that your guy is simply losing interest in you. If you have any hope of hanging onto him, you’d better back off right away. You’re making a nuisance of yourself, and I’m embarrassed for you. Knock it off!
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
I was wondering if you’d be able to give me some unbiased, totally straightforward advice, because I’m a single mother with a total sweetheart of a son, and my boyfriend adores him, but the trouble is that he spoils him too much. My son’s only 4-years-old, and I’m trying to set boundaries and limits early on. Even I have trouble saying no to my son sometimes, but it makes it worse when my boyfriend does it. Every time I’ve tried to talk to him about it, he brushes it off like it’s nothing. This is a serious relationship. We’ve been together a year and a half, and we might be getting married. I really want my son to like my boyfriend, but I don’t want it to be because he spoils him rotten. My boyfriend is a big kid himself in some ways (in only the best ways though, because he’s got a great sense of humor and he’s a lot of fun to be with), and the only thing we’ve ever really argued about (besides money) is the way he lets my son do almost anything he wants or gets him anything his little heart desires. If it keeps up like this, it could cause serious problems with our relationship, and like my sister says, I have trouble putting my foot down, so how can I do this in a totally non-confrontational way? – Spoiling My Son
Dear Spoiling My Son:
You can’t be serious when you ask for a solution that’s totally non-confrontational. Do you want this problem solved or not? I hate to throw a monkey wrench into your happy little blended family, but the fact is, this is your child, not his, and the responsibility and decision-making falls squarely on your shoulders. It is your right and your duty to put a stop to your boyfriend’s behavior, and the only argument you need to make is, “Because I said so.”
If you wish to be more diplomatic about it, then do some research and present it to him. You’ll have no trouble finding studies about how counter-productive that sort of indulgence can be, and maybe he’ll come around when he understands that your opinion is based in fact.
You need to straighten this guy out before you consider progressing with the relationship. Your future husband should be a father figure, not an irresponsible older brother.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
I’m a bartender/waitress at this hole-in-the-wall kind of bar, which draws more my kind of crowd. I meet some cool people and got a lot of stories to tell. I put up a tough front, and I’ve got the skills to back it up. I can take care of myself. But I think this really puts guys off. The men I meet at my job are either the kind I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole (this is where those skills come in handy), the kind that are all hands (again, gotta love being the tough chick), or guys who are just the right mix of bad boy but nice. No matter what I do, if I go right up to them or if I play it cool, they’re never interested. It may sound stupid, but I think they’re just intimidated by me. Like this one guy who was sweet and really easy on the eyes. I played him at a game of pool, and of course I beat him, and then after I won the next two games, he just left, like I did some kind of damage to his ego. He came back in once and didn’t say a word to me. So I’m a pro at pool. What was I supposed to do? Let him win? That’s not the first time that’s happened either. What’s with men and this macho BS anyway? – One Tough Chick
Dear One Tough Chick:
Um…you’re very hostile…I can feel it jumping off the page, and I think I’d run from you, too. You’ve really got something to prove, and as many times as you write about how tough you are just in one single paragraph, I wonder how many times you ram it down a guy’s throat when you’re playing pool. No, you don’t need to let a guy win, but I wonder if you have to take such pleasure in the domination? It’s not just them being macho…no one likes having to contend with your high self-opinion.
Ms. Fix-it, a.k.a. Hilary Morris, is a writer, actress, and expert mixologist. She spends her time doling out advice to many of Hudson County’s singles when she’s slinging drinks. While she doesn’t consider herself an expert on relationships, she has survived plenty of heartbreak. Tell her your problem!
If you have any questions that you would like answered by Ms. Fix-it, please submit them to firstname.lastname@example.org. Please put in the subject line “Ms. Fix-it.” The Current reserves the right to edit any letters for content or clarity.