I’m Christopher M. Halleron, and I disapprove of this message.
As I mentioned in a previous column, I have absolutely no desire to run for any political office in the City of Hoboken. The political climate in this town often illustrates what’s wrong with the nauseatingly inane, selfish bickering that inevitably impedes any real progress in local politics. And admittedly, it’s much easier for a slacker like me to sit behind the relative anonymity of this column and take my petulant potshots as opposed to entering the civic arena and actually doing something about it.
Civics requires civility, an area in which I admit to be lacking.
But since it’s seemingly perfectly acceptable for certain young, urban-professional male columnists to pretend they’re going to run for mayor and then not follow through, I figure why not take a stab at it myself (note: I do not actually qualify as a young, urban professional since I’m no longer young and am arguably unprofessional – as made evident by columns like this).
After much consideration, deliberation, and fabrication, I hereby announce my candidacy for Mayor of Fauxboken. In this season of campaign promises, I offer the following half-arsed schemes and scenarios for my future constituents to mull over:
PARKING: As Mayor of Fauxboken, I would simply outlaw any vehicles within city limits, with the exception of police, fire, ambulance, garbage, commercial delivery, bus and taxi service. I’d take any luxury high-rise under development and convert it into a state-of-the-art parking garage to house automobiles belonging to current residents, ensuring the streets remain clear. Taxi business within city limits would be granted to the one company that provides the most reasonable and reliable service – to be reviewed quarterly. Any Mister Softee ice cream truck found driving the streets will be impounded, with the driver locked in a soundproof studio and forced to listen to the truck’s soundtrack for no less then eight sleepless days.
TRAFFIC: See above.
PEDESTRIAN SAFETY: See above.
NOISE POLLUTION: See above.
LOCAL BUSINESS: As Mayor of Fauxboken I would provide tax incentives to small local business. The Fauxboken Zoning Board would scrutinize any chain/mass-merchandiser and require them to present evidence of their effect on local businesses in markets similar to Fauxboken. A complete moratorium would be enforced on the introduction of new Chinese restaurants, until at least one existing restaurant proves to be even slightly different from any other. Cell phone stores would be banished to a floating barge off Pier A, to be detached and left to float out to sea when a 2/3 majority of Fauxbokenites agree enough is enough.
When the number of banks in town tops the number of corners on Washington Street, the mayor will draw randomly from a hat the name of whichever bank is to leave town and deposit all monies on the curb for the use of the general populace.
EDUCATION: As Mayor of Fauxboken, I believe the children are our future – teach them well and let them lead the way.
DOG WASTE: As Mayor of Fauxboken, I acknowledge dog waste is a problem. As a dog owner, I’m dismayed by the sight of it and saddened that the irresponsibility of others brings disdain on dog owners in general. However, anyone adamant in their protest of dogs in Fauxboken will take a barefoot tour of Jersey City Heights in the middle of August to see just how good we have it here. And anyone caught leaving their dogs’ waste on the streets and in the parks will be required to take a barefoot tour of Jersey City Heights at the end of August to see how bad it could become.
PARKS: As Mayor of Fauxboken, I promise to focus the lion’s share of my time and energy hanging out in Fauxboken’s parks.
BARS: Sure, I’d like to say that as Mayor of Fauxboken I’d be in nobody’s pocket, but too many bars in town have potentially damaging dirt on me. Let’s just say that I’ll take care of Fauxboken’s bar owners with the same apparent delicacy as McGreevey took care of his hairdresser.
While I’m not a “Gay-American” (not that there’s anything wrong with that), I’ve been known to get a little, shall we say, festive. If Fauxboken’s publicans promise to keep my boozing under wraps, then I’m sure we can work something out.
TOWN PRIDE: As Mayor of Fauxboken, I will hold a Fauxboken Street Festival on the first Saturday of every month (yes, that’s one of many concessions to the bars).
WASTE REMOVAL: As Mayor of Fauxboken I will require all my vanquished foes to personally go around and pick up their campaign flyers. That’d be a good start.
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On a serious note (meaning yes, the preceding was complete B.S.) my friend’s six-month-old niece is in dire need of a life-saving operation. Gabriella Michele Giannone was born on Nov. 29, 2004 to parents Michael and Michele (formerly Scarpelli). At four months of age Gabriella was diagnosed with a very rare terminal genetic disease – Mucolipidoses (also known as both MLII and I Cell). Gabriella’s only chance of survival is to have a cord blood transplant.
Mucolipidoses (ML) are genetic lysosomal storage disorders caused by the body’s inability to produce specific enzymes. Normally, the body uses enzymes to break down and recycle cells after the cells die. In affected individuals, the missing or insufficient enzyme prevents the normal breakdown and recycling of cells resulting in the storage of these cell deposits in virtually every cell of the body. As a result, cells do not perform properly and will cause progressive damage throughout the body, including the heart, bones, joints, respiratory system and central nervous system.
While the disease may not be apparent at birth, signs and symptoms develop with age as more cells become damaged by the accumulation of cell deposits.
There are only two institutions in America who perform bone marrow/cord blood transplants for this rare disease. Fairview Medical Center in Minnesota is the hospital chosen to perform Gabriella’s cord blood transplant. The Giannone family is expected to be in Minnesota for a minimum of six months while monitoring and waiting for Gabriella’s recovery.
Tax-deductible donations can be made to “COTA for Gabriella G” and mailed to PO Box 532 Nutley, NJ 07110. For more information on Gabriella or for on-line donations visit www.cota.org.
In an effort to throw a drop in the bucket, a fundraiser will be held on Saturday, May 7 at Duffy’s (239 Bloomfield St., Hoboken). Contact Duffy’s at (201) 963-5512 for more information, or e-mail me at c_halleron@yahoo.com. Thanks.
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Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.