How have you been this past year? And Mrs. Claus? I hope she recovered from that bout of bronchitis. Tell her thanks for the sugar cookies. They travel through the mail surprisingly well.
As you no doubt know already, I’ve been doing pretty well this year. I realize, however, that there have been a couple things I did over the past year that you may be inclined to categorize as naughty, but I assure you all were done with good intentions at heart. So before you have a chance to finish up your list I wanted to address some of the more important issues I have concerning my activities over the past year.
My continued gossiping was addressed last year when that hunk of coal appeared in my stocking instead of a new MP3 player, but I have a feeling you are going to try to get your point across again, so let me just come clean right now. I know it is supposedly a nasty thing to talk behind another person’s back, but this is definitely not true in my case. Snotty Sally Sourpuss loves when people talk about her. She just loves being the center of attention. I’m simply perpetuating the desire she already has to be the primary focus of everyone’s conversation. I’m doing her a favor. Why would I be punished for such a kind gesture, Santa?
When I tripped my sister last July intending to get a laugh, I did it with only her best interest in mind. She was feeling down that day, and I thought I might help he forget her troubles. Admit it, Santa, when she was tumbling to the ground, she forgot all her miseries for that brief five seconds. What else are big sisters for, if not to protect your little sister from all her problems?
As far as that incident concerning the biker and my car, I am not responsible for the subsequent injuries that may have occurred. It is my fervent opinion that the bicyclist swerved in front of my car, and while I tried desperately to avoid him, it was to no avail. I have apologized profusely to the biker and my father, owner of the beloved vehicle, and feel no further action should be taken against me. If you would like proof of the biker’s daredevil antics I’m sure I can come up with something; maybe a hand-drawn diagram would convince you.
Finally, Doreen and Joe’s marriage was on the rocks anyway. I did both a favor by bringing their incompatibility to light. She’s better off without him. You can’t punish me for helping a poor girl out.
Thanks for listening, Santa. I would be interested in any response you may have to these issues; however, Joe and I will be in St. Lucia for the next two weeks. My suggestion to you is to call my secretary, and she will forward the message to me. Thanks again, Santa. Oh, and Merry Christmas.
PS – In addition to the list I sent you in November, I’ve been eyeing this terrific looking emerald and diamond tennis bracelet. I know jewelry isn’t really your thing, but I hope you reconsider. – Amanda Koch (The author is a frequent Current contributor.)