(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running a letter that was published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am 39 year-old gay male. I have lived in Jersey City for 3 years. I have been treated for depression, various anxiety disorders and many personality disorders such as borderline, bi-polar, PTSD and am now diagnosed as schizotypal. I have been in the care of mental health workers for 15 years. Before that I treated the pain and difficulties in my life by using methamphetamine, illegally, of course. I did that for 10 years until the consequences of using speed became intolerable. Since quitting injecting speed I have infrequently used other drugs, alcohol most often.
I have been fortunate in that I have responded well to the many different medications that I have been prescribed. I have learned much in life due to some good therapists.
My problem though is that the medications treat outward symptoms but have not rid me of self-hatred and an irrepressible drawing to self-destructive behaviors. I am receiving counseling from a very good psychologist who calls herself a behaviorist. She has encouraged me to go back to school, which I have done. I am also completing a job-training program and will hopefully soon be working.
Things are going better for me then they have for years, yet I feel, left to my own devices, I will destroy myself. I am also seeing a therapist who teaches inner bonding. I don’t know if you are familiar with this technique but it teaches that I am responsible for my own feelings and actions. I must listen to my wounded child and with the help of a spiritual guide, must integrate all parts of my essence. But I do not feel in control of my feelings or behavior. I can’t connect with my spiritual guide and I am very afraid to listen to my wounded child. I am stuck deep in resistance.
In two weeks when school ends, I am checking myself into Christ Hospital before I do something that will harm or kill me. I am going mostly just to get away from the stress and responsibility of life although I don’t think they can offer me any treatment that will help me move out of this very dark place I find myself in.
I hope I can find help in alternative treatments that can unlock what is in me that I am afraid to face. I hope to find a way to stop repeating destructive behaviors. I hope I have given you enough information about me so that you can suggest which therapies might be helpful. Thank you for your time.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I appreciate your openness and honesty, and admire your courage. You have found enough inner courage and will to live to continue to fight inner fears, anger and self-hatred for so many years now. You are a true warrior, and you should be proud of this. Most people could not have accomplished what you have done. Most people could not continue to fight the inner darkness you experience, and accomplish what you have accomplished; fighting addiction, going to school for job training, sustaining over time the effort to help yourself through counseling and medication. Your ability to establish a lasting positive working alliance with a therapist is an excellent indication of your strength, and your inner resources. You describe the immensity of your self-destructive urges, but perhaps you fail to recognize and appreciate the strength of your will to live – your drive to get better, and to be free of your inner negativity. You are a formidable foe for the inner darkness you experience. Please recognize this. You are an amazing warrior.
There is no magic answer that I know of in alternative treatments for unlocking (and quickly resolving) what it is in you that you are afraid to face. Both homeopathy and Bach Flower Remedies may be helpful. However, love is the ultimate healer. Love is the light that dissolves the inner darkness. I do not mean to be trite or lofty here. I believe this is the simple truth. The more you can let yourself connect with others, feel affirmed by others, care for others, give to others, feel accepted by others, and accept all of who you are, the more your inner darkness will dissolve. Continue in your therapeutic relationship. Use this to learn, to experience the consistency of someone being there to understand and support you and to teach you about yourself in relationship, and to give you an experience of your worth. Find safe ways to reach out and connect with others. You have come a long way. Try not to lose sight of this truth, when the inner destructive urges are waxing. If you do not give in to these urges, they will pass. Make a pledge to your inner strength, your inner warrior, that you will continue this battle. No matter how long it takes, you will endure. If you need protection from yourself let your therapist, or local emergency room, know and make sure you get the protection you need. Recognize your inner strength, and never give up. You have much to be proud of.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services