Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a similar problem as the woman who wrote to you a few weeks ago. I’m anxious all the time. I think I get that adrenalin release you spoke about because I get so nervous, and even shaky when I think of something happening to my son, who is in Afghanistan in the Marines. Once I start thinking about it, I can hardly think of anything else. My oldest son was also in the Marines. He is home and safe now, but he has post-traumatic stress disorder and lots of problems because of it. I tried to stop my younger son from going into the service but he would not listen to me. I feel so burned out from worrying about him that I feel I’m in a daze sometimes. Luckily I work everyday so that forces me to think of something else. I need Ambien to sleep. I’m a mess.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I can’t think of any mother who would not be anxious in your current situation. The danger is real and there is nothing you can physically do to keep him safe. Your symptoms show that this is interfering with your everyday functioning. You are consumed with fearful thoughts, physically ‘shaky’, unable to sleep and always anxious. In addition, this is your second time having a son in active duty and you can see how your older son is still struggling from his experiences in active combat.
Anxiety is fed by focusing on things you have no control over. Your job here is to continuously refocus your thoughts on something you do have control over. The best thing you can do for your son in Afghanistan currently is to pray, to send thoughts of love and protection, and to put him in God’s hands. Whenever you notice your thoughts focused on your son’s safety you need to shift your focus to prayer. This is something you can do that you have control over; switch your focus from an activity that brings you down to something powerful that can empower and protect both of you. As much as possible, make this a habit. Prayer has been scientifically proven to be effective (see Larry Dossey, M.D., Healing Words, The Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine,1993). In so doing, you will also be breaking a thinking habit that has negative consequences for your health and substituting a positive habit that will enhance your health.
Before sleep at night practice dismissing your worries by consciously focusing on something positive and up-lifting. Relax your muscles by systematically tensing them and then suddenly releasing the tension, letting your limbs sink further and further into the bed that is holding you up. Focus on the drowsiness you usually feel before falling asleep, using your imagination to let go of the day and fall into that drowsiness. Make sure before retiring to bed you have spent an hour or two engaged in relaxing activities and experiences.
Your body is in a state of alarm because of dangerous situations both of your sons have been and are currently experiencing. This is something that needs to be addressed for your health and well being. Your symptoms are interfering with your daily functioning. Because of this I would recommend that you seek short term professional help to assist you in learning to manage your anxiety. I wish all the best for you. Please write again if you feel the need.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services