Editor’s Note: Hoboken funny girl/lifelong Jersey Italian woman Eileen Budd is back with another recap. Comment or e-mail Eileen below!
The Party’s Over
The party at the Gorgas continues and Teresa thanks sister-in-law, Melissa, and her brother, Joe, for getting “the b–ch out” – meaning the lawyer Monica Chacon, who finally leaves in her dress with wrap-around gauze that makes her look like a stand-in for “The Mummy Returns.” Only this time, the mummy ain’t returning to this party as she’s escorted out. Shortly after, Joe Gorga makes his toast to the guys while dancing with the women, “To the bastards that can get all the women we can.” Apparently, Kim G. is not one of the women they want because she is getting crap from everyone for having the audacity to bring Chacon to the party. T. mocks Kim’s inflated lips behind her back by imitating the kind of face Donald Duck might make in back of Daisy when she nags him to take out the garbage.
After Caroline confronts Kim G with, “Have a little respect,” Kim starts giving Caroline beak, I mean, lip, so Caroline’s son, Chris, escorts her out too but not without resistance. Who would fight to stay at a party that they’re not wanted at except of course, Danielle, whom they actually compare Kim to. Doesn’t Kim have better things to do with her time like go to CVS and buy a few thousand tubes of Chapstick? And the best part is she brought a body guard to the Christmas party! Did she think that someone was going to steal the silicone out of her lips? Even if they did, what was the bodyguard going to do? He was so old that he looked like more of a mummy than Monica Chacon did in her outfit.
Happy that Kim G. got ousted, outside, Teresa tells her hubby, Joe, “Honey, we’re gonna go home now and make love all night.” Just the thought of that scenario is enough to make me projectile vomit the remains of the peach I ate shortly before the start of the show.
Despite the fact that two people got thrown out of her party and the “douchebags” and “f**k” words were flying, Melissa claims her party was a success especially since she got along with her sister-in-law.
Sleeping with the 7 Fishes
So now we move on to the actual preparation for the Christmas Eve dinners at Teresa’s and Caroline’s homes respectively. Typically, Italians have a variety of fishes for Christmas Eve. We’re talking baccala, clams, mussels, calamari, pasta with seafood – and those are just the stocking stuffers! “These mussels will wake up a dead man,” Senior Guidice complains of the spicy mollusks. “The kids can’t eat these.” Oh, just tell them that this is what Santa gives the bad little boys and girls for Christmas. Meanwhile, the kids are dressed like little dolls with one of the little girls dressed in what appears to be a tulle wedding gown and another one dressed like the Infant of Prague. I’m pretty sure that one of the kids had on a fur-trimmed strapless velvet gown that made her look like a miniature 47-year-old burlesque queen.
Speaking of age, when Melissa asks her kids what Christmas is, her daughter innocently says it’s when, “You can play in snow.” Melissa adds that it’s also Jesus’ birthday. Her daughter wants to know how old Jesus is. Melissa answers, “89.” The sad part is that Melissa either probably thinks that’s true or she mistakenly thought her daughter asked her what her IQ was.
At Caroline’s house, they’re serving the family’s traditional olive sauce for Christmas Eve because they were so poor as children that her father opened the cupboards and could only find olives to make the special dinner. Caroline’s mother, Nettie, enters with the olive sauce and she’s decked out in a fur coat. Grandson Albie hugs her, rubs the coat, and says, “You’re so plush,” like she’s a stuffed animal Santa left beneath a tree. Didn’t olive sauce (or Puttanesca sauce) originate in the brothels of Naples when the whores (aka puttans) cooked for the men waiting their turn? What a delightful way to celebrate the evening before our Savior’s birth! I wonder if Mary Magdalene was around to cook up the first batch for the 3 Wise Men?
The Manzo boys talk smack about Santa, accusing him of using slave labor and being lazy. “Santa works a full year,” Albie admonishes. This comes from a guy who we’re not even sure if he works one day a year! Since moving to Hoboken, I don’t know what the Manzo boys have been doing unless they’re taking turns as bouncers at the Cake Boss bakery. The young folk talk about their New Year’s resolutions and Ashley just wants her stepfather, Chris, to like her more. That’s a pretty tall order there, Ashley. That’s like trying to like Lindsay Lohan more. Or Michael Lohan more. Or Dina Lohan more. Ashley tries to gain our sympathy. “I know I screwed up a lot but I’m really not a bitch.” You sure seem to be, Ashley. You’re like the Jersey Girl version of a poor Paris Hilton, but without the bubbly personality and humility.
Kathy and Rich have invited Melissa and Joe Gorga to Christmas Eve dinner but the falafel stuffed mushrooms and the hummus filled cannolis – or whatever delicacies that Italian/Lebanese family make for that holiday – have to wait until the Gorgas first make a stop at Teresa and Joe Guidice’s. Piled in the car with the kids and a nanny (yes, the kids got Mary Poppins as a Christmas present!), Melissa proudly holds the boxes of the beloved pignoli cookies Teresa loves. “I hope you’re not gonna throw my cookies out this year,” Melissa tells T. via the camera, referring to the supermarket store bought sprinkle cookies Melissa had the nerve to bring last year.
Teresa is embarrassed by what Melissa is wearing because her dress is too short and her boobs are sticking out. “Who dresses like that on the day the baby Jesus was born?” T. asks. Probably the puttans who make their special sauce for the waiting Johns before they go to midnight mass.
Santa makes an appearance for the kids but even tiny Melania Guidice knows it’s really Grandma in disguise. Still the kid just wants her presents so she doesn’t care if Freddy Krueger is handing out the booty. Gia shows her uncle Joe the ring the boy gave her at school. (The same one that elicited this response from her father, “I’m gonna kick that boy’s a**.) Uncle Joe takes things a step further when he hears about the boy. “I’ll stomp on him. I’ll bite him. I’ll cut his nose off so he can’t breathe.” I think Uncle Joe has been reading too many of the Soprano – Grimm’s Fairy Tales. I sure hope the Division of Youth and Family Services wasn’t watching.
Joe Guidice and Joe Gorga do argue a bit over the pros and cons of baccala but, overall, Gorga is so happy to be with his parents and the kids that he says, “It made me forget how angry I was.” Apparently, Joe Guidice didn’t forget how angry he was, though, because he called his in-laws “animals,” specifically referring to Melissa as “raccoon face.” Now that he mentioned it, Melissa could be mistaken for someone who goes rifling through her neighbors trash cans late at night.
Lamest scene of the night? Caroline dispensing advice on divorce and its effect on kids on her call-in radio show. Her brother calls in wanting help in dealing with step-daughter, Ashley. Of course, Caroline recognizes her brother’s voice. As Chris pours his heart out, his wife, Jacqueline (Ashley’s mother), sits by his side donned in a dominatrix inspired cut-out black number waiting for Caroline to give Chris some magical beans that will grow into a bean stalk they can climb to a heaven filled with familial bliss and colorful knit caps. Even the family dog, Santino, is too smart to stay awake and listen to Caroline tell her brother, “You’re a tremendous step-daddy and she should be grateful.” Cut the crap. All of us are just waiting for the day that Chris just slaps the apathy off of Ashley’s face.
Next episode: The Christmas gifts have arrived and not only is there is a gold Rolex hanging from the branch of the tree but a bunch of other expensive items that can’t be returned because no one can remember which truck they fell off.
For recaps of previous episodes, see links below.
Eileen Budd can be reached at pretty.funny@hotmail.com or leave a comment here.