Hoboken-based comedienne and lifelong proud New Jersey Italian woman Eileen Budd is back for another recap of the Real Housewives of New Jersey for the Hudson Reporter newspapers in Hudson County, N.J.
Thank you, Jesus
First, let me say I was ill as I was watching the show. I had spent part of the rainy Sunday reading The Naked Truth, the memoir of former Housewives hell-raiser, Danielle Staub. Maybe having to run to the bathroom afterwards was just a coincidence or maybe it was cause and effect. Either way, I was in no mood to put up with the group’s shenanigans this week.
Very little time was devoted to Teresa this episode except for the opening where a photography crew was taking shots for her new cookbook. The girls were throwing dough around like they were supposed to be making pizza and they were in no mood for putting up with the photographer’s shenanigans. Maybe they read Danielle’s book beforehand too. The male photographer got a little bitchy himself. He wanted to shut down the shoot and rest for a bit because he was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Gia, who usually likes to call attention to herself, looked like the photographer was getting on her last nerve and I expected her to fling a meatball at his head at any moment.
Ah, little girls are so sweet. And they grow up so fast. Kathy and Richie have a little discussion about their own little girl – 16-year-old Victoria who seems to have “inherited the party gene” according to her parents. Kathy thinks it’s time to have “the talk” with their daughter about boys and Rich thinks she’s jumping the gun. “She’s only 16,” he says, dismissing Kathy’s concern about her having sex. “She’s gonna imagine my face instead of his (the boy’s) face and it’s not gonna happen.” OMG! I don’t think any girl is going to be thinking of her father while she’s sucking some boy’s face – unless she’s from Arkansas. (My apologies in the unlikely event that there are some Arkansas readers.) Although Kathy says things weren’t like that (16-year-olds having sex) when she was Victoria’s age, things are different now. Richie doesn’t understand why it’s different now. “It’s still the same body parts,” he reasons. I’m not sure what planet Rich has been living on, but obviously the inhabitants of that planet must not go through puberty until they’re 40.
Chris Manzo is working as a bartender at Hoboken’s own Wicked Wolf Tavern. I guess he’s still working out the kinks on that car wash/strip joint he still wants to open. Jacqueline and Chris Laurita come in to visit along with Ashley, Albie, and Lauren Manzo. Lauren says that Ashley reminds her of when she was a kid (all of 3 years ago). “She’s lazy and has no ambition.” Hey, don’t be talking about our little Ashley that way. Ashley DOES have ambition. She’s working on getting that balance between being self-absorbed, bored, and apathetic just right.The big surprise is Ashley’s dad shows up too. Little does Ashley know that her mother has asked Ashley’s dad to come into town. More on that in a minute.
Melissa is talking to her sisters who went to a medium and got a message from an “aunt.” Melissa looks confused until the sisters tell her they realize the message was from an “Ant.” That’s Ant – as in short for Antnee – Melissa’s father. The medium says that Melissa’s father says to tell her that she’s going to be big and go far. I don’t know if he was talking about her singing career or that she’s going to gain a lot of weight and move to Mississippi. But it gets the girls to crying, which is dangerous because Melissa is wearing a vest made from some animal and her tears might mat the fur. And the tears of one of her sisters might make her makeup run, which would be a shame because she has on so much green eye shadow that she looks like an Italian Kermit the Frog.
K-Mack, one of the record producers, comes by with his posse to help Melissa record her “On Display” song. Melissa gets in the studio and starts making sounds that resemble what might emanate from a feral cat caught in a rain gutter on a stormy night. The producers wince but then remember that they are not only getting a boatload of money to work on what surely would be this reject from America’s Got Talent, but if they don’t turn Melissa’s song into something passable, they will face the wrath of Joe Gorga. Melissa better be scared too because Joe says she better not get tired or say she doesn’t want to sing anymore because he put a lot of money and time into that recording studio. While she’s in the recording booth, he tells her to get sexy ‘cuz he wants to be turned on. “Grab the microphone like it’s me.” Doesn’t that girl have to put out enough? But, hey, at least the microphone doesn’t shoot out “poison.” And Melissa says, “Thank you, Jesus.”
Mothers and daughters and navigating the waters
In this wonderful evening of mother-daughter bonding, Caroline is cleaning out her closet, getting rid of all of the clothes that don’t fit her now that she’s lost so much weight. When daughter Lauren comes in to comment on all the thousands of dollars of money that was spent on clothes that still have the price tags on them, she also complains about her own inability to lose weight. Caroline tries to be supportive. But telling her daughter that she’s on a plateau because she’s not exercising is probably not the encouragement Lauren wants to hear. “Maybe you got 8 lbs. of sausage in a 5 lb. bag right now,” Caroline tells her. Oh, come on now, Caroline – who doesn’t like a little extra sausage in the casing?
Lauren, Caroline, Christopher, Albie (and their gay roommate, Greg) hit the gym and Lauren is working up a sweat but her mother isn’t taking things too seriously. Caroline’s workout consists of leaning against a wall drinking a lot of water, lethargically swatting at a kickbox bag with the side of her leg, and occasionally jumping up in the air and clicking her heels together like she’s the Lucky Charms’ leprechaun. And to insult to injury, Lauren catches a glimpse of Greg’s pale testicles while he’s on a mat kicking his legs in the air. Well, at least there was a good chance that they were shaved.
Kathy is bonding with daughter, Victoria, at The Fig Leaf store where they go to select a dress for her upcoming junior prom. Victoria tries on dresses that make her look more like a 40-year-old lounge singer than a 16-year-old. But then again, on Rich’s planet, that would make her look like the age she’s about ready to go through puberty. Kathy has the timing and judgment of a customer call center representative in India who wants to sell you an extended warranty on a refrigerator you just called about because it broke down 2 months after you bought it. She decides to broach the subject of boys while in a place called The Fig Leaf, ironic as that may be. I was cringing for Victoria myself. At least my mother spared me the whole “birds and bees” talk. When I asked her where babies came from, she simply told me that a little trap door opens in the mother’s stomach when the time comes. For years, I kept looking for the markings of where that door might be on my own stomach before I realized my mother had sold me a false bill of goods. Thank God there’s always that more worldly neighbor kid that gives you the real low down on life.
Intervention
And, of course, the big showdown was between Ashley and her parents – all four of them. Jacqueline tried to stage an “intervention” by inviting Ashley’s father and stepmother to dinner with Ashley to discuss the 20-year-old’s future plans for herself. Ashley, who showed up in a white fedora doing her best Lindsay Lohan impression, refused to be held accountable for herself. She says she wants to go to California and enroll in beauty school but step-father, Chris, asks her where she’s getting the money to do so. She says she has money for a place but not for the beauty school tuition. He suggests that she work for a while to save up before moving. Ashley doesn’t understand what these people want from her. After all, she did an internship and she does have a job working 10 a.m. – 2 p.m. What else do they expect? After partying all night, she still drags herself out of bed to put in four solid hours of work a day and she has to commute to the job on top of it! Jeez, don’t they understand that it takes at least another six hours a day just to pick out her hats?Jacqueline calls Ashley a brat and tells her to get out of her house then runs out of the restaurant and cries. It looks like Ashley may have been affected somehow, but it’s hard to tell if she was upset because she hurt her mother or because her New York Strip steak was overcooked.
Next episode: The Ashley saga continues, Teresa gets snippy with Melissa at a tasting party, and there are of course, furs, furs, and more furs.
Eileen Budd can be reached at pretty.funny@hotmail.com or leave a comment here. Check out her latest prose piece at asininepoetry.com. See past recaps below. And read more news about Hoboken and the rest of Hudson County at hudsonreporter.com.