HOBOKEN AND BEYOND — Okay, so NBA star Kris Humphries moved out of a luxury building in Hoboken in August and into the slender arms of model/clothing shop owner/famous fanny possessor/whatever/ Kim Kardashian. What’s he been up to since their wedding? Kris managed to tough it out with the Krazy Kardashian family for just 72 days before the couple ended up announcing a divorce.
All sorts of speculation followed. But this week, viewers gained some insight. Before the divorce, Kim and former Hobokenite Kris filmed the reality show “Kourtney and Kim Take Manhattan.” The premiere episode, which aired Sunday, was so bizarre that it’s going to need a mini-recap here:
First, it began by revealing that after getting married, Kris and Kim moved into a huge suite at the Gansevoort Hotel together…with Kim’s sister Kourtney, her jerky boyfriend Scott Disick, and their cute baby Mason, who looks like Scott but acts more mature.
Problem 1: Baby Mason’s play area is just 10 feet from Kris and Kim’s bedroom, and Mason — like all babies — wakes up every day at the crack of dawn (as opposed to Kris, who wakes up every day at the cr…never mind).
Problem 2: Have we mentioned that they’re newlyweds and they’re living literally on top of their inlaws?
What did it take to convince Kris to do all this? Well, money. Plus, he’s supportive of Kim’s kareer.
In a stunning revelation, Scott says he and Kourtney haven’t actually slept together in “years.” Instead, Kourtney sleeps with little Mason. Scott sleeps in a separate bed. We can’t figure out who that’s less healthy for — Baby Mason, or Scott and Kourtney’s relationship.
It’s a raw deal for Scott, except that he has no actual career and still gets room and board…really really nice room and board at the Gansevoort Hotel.
Sisters Kim and Kourtney proceed to nag their significant others about everything. Kim and Kris never actually lived together before getting married, so he didn’t realize she was a neat freak. He starts to purposely throw clothes on the floor to annoy her. Go Kris!
Kourtney yells at Scott for smoking a cigarette. Scott says she should try one, because they’re marshmallow cigarettes. Mmmmm…that sounds delicious. If you eat a chocolate cigar at the same time, it’ll be the same thing as having a s’more!
The group is ready to go out to an event, so Scott asks his sort-of brother-in-law, Kris, to shave Scott’s underarms. And…KRIS ACTUALLY DOES IT. Um, Scott has two hands and could do that himself. Women do it themselves. Why would Scott prefer having a tall, handsome athlete with a deep voice do it? Oh my gosh, guys, did we just answer our own question?
Kris keeps making sarcastic comments about how the girls are krazy. Okay, did you know that before you got married? Don’t they have televisions in the Tea Building?
Kourtney is very into health stuff and invites the girls for some sort of olive oil enema. It works – the excrement in her life, Scott, soon flows out of her life. Scott runs to PR guy-with-great-hair Jonathan Cheban for advice. Jonathan notes that Scott has had his problems, but Kim needs to let up on him now that he’s changing.
So here is the kicker. Kim and Kourtney invite a naked yoga instructor over. They hold a session in their apartment with a few friends. The guy is doing his moves, and the girls are following along, nothing dirty or anything…
And then Kris shows up and can’t take it. He says it’s too weird and causes a scene.
Uh…he is in pro sports and has been in locker rooms with (we presume) dozens of naked men. What’s his problem?
He says he can’t focus on training, so he’s heading back to Minnesota. We know the training is good there. Kris, baby, you could have returned to Hoboken and been among athletes like Eli Manning. We’d love to have you back. Come back and read all the news in Hudson County, New Jersey, in the Hoboken Reporter. We miss you.
So that’s episode one. And it leaves one lingering question: Why did they wait so LONG to get divorced?