Dear Dr. Norquist: My husband works in another state and is away almost all the time. His company is 400 miles away or about a one-hour flight.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband works in another state and is away almost all the time. His company is 400 miles away or about a one-hour flight. Last fall he came home for my birthday and I asked if I could come up to visit him and celebrate Thanksgiving weekend together. He said "no," that I needed to be "less clingy," to "develop my own friendships and to not depend on him." This was not the first time he has responded this way. I have not been able to get this out of my mind. During the past few weeks I’ve been considering getting a divorce from him because I think I can no longer stand being married and be so very much alone. Am I overreacting?
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like the two of you have differing needs for closeness. Has it always been this way, or did this develop over time? It is certainly very normal to want to spend Thanksgiving with your husband. Most happy couples look forward to sharing time with each other. Either your husband’s need for closeness is very limited, or there is something askew in your relationship. It’s also possible that his unavailability (emotionally as well as physically) leads you to feel more needy (or "clingy" as he states), thus encouraging more distance on his part. Whatever the cause, this is something the two of you need to sit down and discuss together. Define for each other (and yourselves) what you want from your marriage, and see if you can discover together how to work things out.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I wonder how can I change my life? I have spent the past 20 years raising my kids and feel like I’ve missed out on a lot. I don’t really have regrets, but now I would like to have adventures and adult fun, doing things where I can be me first instead of mom. My husband has his own life and does not restrict my freedom – but I just don’t know where to start!
People don’t seem to really take to me -maybe because I tend to meet younger people. I have a degree in biology and psychology, and like walking/ wildlife/ science fiction, and comedy books/films. But I seem to do most things on my own. I just seem to lack ‘sparkle,’ as other women my age have lots of friends and even lovers. Yet I have always felt overlooked, (although I do have a best friend). I work for a temporary help agency, but I don’t seem to make any impression on anyone, even though people always tell me their problems, I guess because I’m sympathetic. But what I want is fun and to be seen as a sexy lady. What can I do to improve things?
Dr. Norquist responds:
What are the qualities that people who "sparkle" seem to possess? They are happy, they are generally comfortable with themselves and with others, they are engaged with life, and they seem to be in touch with an inner source of vitality and contentment. This desire for fun, adventure, connection with others, and "sparkle" is driving you to search for more in your life. This is good! What is important to recognize here, however, is that the source for this something more that you are searching for is within you not out there in the world around you.
Your words suggest that you do not feel good about yourself. This is a good place to start focusing your energies. Ask yourself, "What is there not to like about myself?" Loveableness is not related to perfection. Slowly but surely, start consciously changing your thoughts about, and perceptions of, yourself. Get to know yourself in a new way. Pay attention to your inner urges. What have you always wanted to do or to create? Now is the time. Be grateful for this. Focus on the wondrous in life and in yourself, and practice following your own inner promptings.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)<br>
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, swedish and therapeutic massage, naturopathic medicine, hypnosis, yoga, meditation, Bach Flower Remedies, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Shiatsu, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center