Dear Dr. Norquist:
My life is pain. My wife and daughter have left me. I have been fired from my job. I have been drinking everyday and now all my money is gone. The other night I woke up on my roof. I was laying right at the edge with my arm hanging off. I must have climbed the fire escape in a blackout. The funny thing is that I just shrugged it off. I think I want to die. What do you think, doctor? Is life really worth living?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Somewhere inside each of us there is a spark – a spark of aliveness, drive, inspiration, or creativity. It is experienced differently by different people, and in different life circumstances. Life is an experience that is ever changing. Everyone has difficult periods – granted, some more then others. When we are depressed, as you are, we have lost touch with that inner spark that is the source of the desire to be alive. When in this state, it’s easy to believe that life will always feel this way. This is a false belief. Remember, life is constantly changing. We are always in a state of flux. You must not make any important or life threatening decisions from this depressed state of mind.
You need assistance to get your life on track again. Your drinking and your depression need treatment. You must do this for yourself because in the future, when you are back in touch with that spark, you (and your daughter) will be very glad that you did. Call 1-800-225-0196 for information on local hospitals and treatment centers that are low cost or have sliding scale fees. Also, reach out to others. Having meaningful connections with others is an important factor in alleviating depression. See how you can be helpful to others. Appreciate the world around you – the sun setting, the birds, the wind and the rain. Remember a time in the past when you felt that inner spark. What were the conditions that encouraged that experience? Turn within, and try to sense that spark again. Remember the light shines most brightly when surrounded by darkness and despair. Please take care of yourself. Although you cannot recognize it right now, you are innately precious and special, just as you are.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My husband and I are adoptive parents who very much want to help our adopted daughter learn respect and also allow her to become her own person. It seems to me that adopted adolescent girls demonstrate an awful lot of hostility towards their adoptive fathers as they search for their own identity. Things have become so difficult that I wonder if a temporary, out-of-home placement would be helpful to emphasize to our daughter our inability to tolerate her sarcasm, rejection and hostility, especially towards my husband. Is this step likely to be helpful to her without making her feeling unloved and rejected? Thank you, I’d appreciate your advice.
Dr. Norquist responds:
There is no pat answer here. Each situation is unique. I have to read between your lines to try to understand what your situation is. It appears that there is a lot of hostility going on between your adopted adolescent daughter and your husband. She has already lost her biological parents. I seriously doubt that she could feel anything other than unloved and rejected should you put her in an "out of home placement." With the situation as hostile as it appears to be, this solution appears more to be one of punishment. If your daughter is struggling with feeling good about herself, and establishing her own identity, she needs support and understanding, and perhaps some limit setting more than punishment. I believe our children learn respect through what we model for them. If we treat them, ourselves and others with respect, our children are likely to do the same (although during adolescence this behavior is not always consistent). You need to try to understand what lies beneath her hostility. This will help you to feel more compassionate. You may need to seek professional help to resolve this situation.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center