Observers of Yom Kippur, the Jewish “day of atonement” that occurred last week, are supposed to avoid eating, drinking, bathing, working, and generally having fun, and instead must atone for their sins. I decided to do my best this year. This is my story.
6:10 p.m. Sun is going down. Want one more bite. Is sun down? Still light in the sky. It’s just cloudy, that’s all. I take my last nibbles.
6:30 p.m. Remember mother telling me once that electronics are banned, too. Turns out not to be true, but it is a day of self-denial, so I’ll tack that on. I think of what I can do in my house that isn’t electronic. Write. Play guitar (acoustic). Cut my toenails. Count the cracks in my wall. But I’m not supposed to have fun.
6:40 p.m. Sun completely down now.
8:00 p.m. Time for premiere of CBS’s critically-acclaimed Ed. Must watch; only for cultural literacy. Write for newspaper, have to keep finger on pulse of public. Only breach I intend to make. But I absolutely will not enjoy it.
8:24 p.m. Commercial for Taco Bell chalupas.
8:58 p.m. Commercial for Riesen chocolate candy.
8:59 p.m. Commercial for Pizza Hut.
9:00 p.m. Turn off TV. Do exercises. Common activity for those who can’t do anything else, usually because in prison, in Big Brother house, etc.
9:10 p.m. Hear guy yelling outside. Think I might get to watch free fight. Turns out he’s only playing. Drat. Now must atone for voyeurism.
9:30 p.m. Kneel. Pray to God. Think of sins I must atone for. Is it honest to atone for ones I might commit again? No. Well, they’re not the real bad ones. Atone for fights with mother, jealousy and envy, not being as charitable as I should, being self-pitying when I have no right to be, schadenfreud.
10 p.m. Look out window. Cold, starry night. Think about campfires and s’mores.
10:15 p.m. Think about noodles with a little melted pat of butter.
10:30 p.m. Go to sleep.
4 a.m. Wake up. Can’t sleep. Play guitar chords to “All You Need is Love.” G, B7, Em, G/D, C, D7, G. Remind self I’m not supposed to be having fun. Flip through Beatles songbook for song I don’t like. Hard to find. Look, instead, for song I don’t know. Settle on “Polythene Pam.”
8 a.m. Wake up. Sunny out. Not hungry. Good!
8:22 a.m. Want to turn on radio to get temperature. Can’t.
8:29 a.m. Think about thick French toast with powdered sugar.
11 a.m. Have invitation from “Victory 2000” to march in NYC Columbus Day parade for Hillary Clinton. Can’t decide if that’s fun or not. Pass on it.
11:15 a.m. Time to pray again.Climb out through back window and kneel on fire escape for high-speed connection. Pray for the dead in addition to atoning for sins.
1:26 p.m. Think of fried chicken, a warm swath of apricot sauce slathered over its crispy, seasoned skin.
3 p.m. Think of sausage with pepper and onions.
3:11 p.m. Think of plump, sweet coconut shrimp.
3:41 p.m. Think of pizza.
4:12 p.m. Think of the Pixie Sticks I used to scarf on Halloween. This is getting sick.
6 p.m. Leave for restaurant. Eat gigantic meal. All you need is beef. All you need is beef. All you need is beef, beef. Beef is all you need. (G, B7, Em, G/D, C, D7, G.) – Piggy Rabinowitz