One of the most frightening pitfalls for any creative artist is to be blocked. We’ve all experienced it and it’s not pleasant. It’s like having your car plowed in, only worse. Creative readers can no doubt come up with a better metaphor, that is, if they weren’t blocked. Not being creative myself, I’m both terribly envious and appreciative of those who are. One day I decided to lend support to artists beyond simply showing up and applauding or reading their work. In that spirit I established Plowed-In Insurance, devoted entirely to providing long and short-term coverage for blocked creative artists.
I’ll list some of the highlights of this package.
Your sign-up rate never changes. If you’re between the ages of 18 and 30 we’re offering the low, low introductory charge of $14.99 a month which will cover you throughout your creative life. As we all know, aging destroys millions of cognitive cells, so your risk of being blocked will increase as you get older. Yet your rate remains the same.
Obviously, should you sign up beyond 30, your rate is higher. I cover artists in ten year increments up to age 80, after which, if you’re still creating anything but liver spots, my hat’s off to you.
My policies allow for certain discounts. If you can prove you never watched a single episode of Married With Children, a certified brain cell destroyer, there’s a 10 percent discount. Mimes who’ve been beaten up more than three times and can document it, receive four months free coverage. More discounts for members of creative groups like the Rahway Poets Society and the Ringwood Ballet are available. Family rates run 15 percent lower. Let’s just say before West Wing, Martin Sheen, Charlie and Emelio were happy policyholders who collected more than I’d like to admit, until Martin’s West Wing breakthrough, and now the sons’ cable film about porn producers The Mitchell Brothers, which has put them back on the map, not to mention Charlie being cast in Spin City. I was there for them when they needed me – and don’t think the Baldwins and I don’t exchange Christmas cards. We’re talking serious creative block.
Unfortunately, I had to turn down others like Tom Arnold and Paulie Shore. The stipulation of my coverage is one has to have actually been creative at one time to be eligible.
Riders are negotiable. You may wish extra coverage for legal defense in case you’re accused of stealing someone else’s ideas. Brian DePalma would be flat broke if it weren’t for this coverage.
A routine physical, a resume with three references stating you are indeed a creative artist, perhaps a video if you are a performer, are all you need to apply.
Think about this: At a recent tribute to Jonie Mitchell involving many big-name acts, not one of her post-1979 songs were as performed. It’s as though her creative juices dried up at age 36. If this insurance were available to her 20 years ago, who knows how many agonizing sleepless nights she could have avoided?
So if you’re creative and especially if you have a family to support, why take a chance on running into gridlocked block? There are far too many fallen poets and dancers working at jobs they hate as it is. It’s your right as an artist to sit home and collect until your imagination kicks into gear again, or you reach your maximum benefits, which varies depending on your residence. California residents have a smaller limit for obvious reasons. I mean, have you seen Pacific Blue on USA? – Joe Del Priore