Dear Dr. Norquist:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4 years. The first 10 months of our relationship was rocky because I was recently in another relationship and was still wounded. He was offered a job promotion and I encouraged him to accept it in another city. So, we continued our relationship long distance for 2 years. Recently, he moved back to NJ (now living a few blocks away). Since his return, our relationship has gone downhill and we’re parting ways. He is very resentful of me for encouraging him to leave 2 years ago, but I felt we needed the space because I wanted and needed to take things slowly. Besides, if he were that resentful, why continue to see me long distance?
Every now and then, he calls because he misses me or he is feeling lonely or afraid that he made a mistake by letting me go. All of this behavior seems normal. The strange part is that he feels he has no feelings for anyone or anything in his life. He has described himself as feeling "numb" or "apathetic." He seems depressed and can sometimes appear downright mean. He has mood swings and for the past year he has had virtually no sex drive. The problem is obviously larger then our relationship. My question is, is our breakup the cause of his depression? Or vice versa? I miss him terribly. Should I walk away and start anew? Is there a chance of us getting back and resolving issues? What to do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
It sounds like your boyfriend is experiencing a level of depression that needs professional attention. One way we defend ourselves from feelings that are overwhelming to the psyche is to "numb-out." From this numb place it’s possible to be mean and not even recognize the effects this has on others. The symptoms you describe are all indicative of a serious level of depression.
Situations do not cause us to feel a certain way. Our interpretation of the situation is what causes the internal response. We all carry a certain perceptual "wiring," of sorts, do to past experiences and training, that leads us to interpret certain situations a particular way. Because of this, we continue to relive past emotional traumas. Perhaps your boyfriend had an earlier history of feeling rejected or abandoned emotionally, or some other sort of an earlier emotional experience that is being superimposed upon this current situation. My guess is that this relationship did not cause his depression, but triggered and reinforced a re-experiencing of earlier losses and abandonments.
Whether you should start anew or work on getting back together is up to you (and him). Your letter doesn’t give me a clear idea of your feelings for him, or what the strengths of the relationship are. It does appear that anytime the two of you have been living in proximity to each other, things have been rocky. However, should the two of you decide to get back together, your boyfriend will have to first address his depression so that he can bring his best to the relationship.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am 39 years old and just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband really wants us to have a second child. If I were five years younger, I would definitely agree with him. However, at our age, I feel we have already "pushed the envelope" having this baby. If we wait two years, which most people seem to recommend, I will be 41 and he’ll be 43. I am not convinced there is anything wrong with having only one child. His concerns are that she will need someone to play with as she grows up and that she not be alone, without family, as we become older. Our families are scattered across the country. What do you think?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Perhaps the current desire to have another child is triggered by the wonderful feelings of love, fulfillment and excitement that accompany a child’s birth. This is not the best time to make a decision regarding having a second child. You have a newborn, with all the accompanying personal and life changes, new demands, new experiences, and abundant blessings in your life. Enjoy this time with your baby. As things settle down and you regain some consistency in your life you will have more perspective from which to make this decision. Whatever decision you make, it should be accompanied by an inner sense of "rightness" for both of you. In contemplating this decision, try to imagine the consequences of your decision either way from a future vantage point.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 205, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Art Therapy, reflexology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, Alexander Technique, and Jin Shin Do. Ó 2000 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center