Dear Dr. Norquist:
Two years ago, I was given a project at work that was important to the company, and, although I did my best with it, I feel that I failed. Though, believe me, it was not through lack of effort or time. I am disheartened about this failure, and have been wary of taking on any other significant projects. I no longer have the confidence to do so, and I know my boss has noticed this as well. How do I get out from under this shame at my failure? I feel like everyone at work knows about it and it make me want to hide out at my desk. Can you help because lately going to work has become a miserable experience?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Do you think that people who are successful in their endeavors have never had a "failure"? I believe success is born of our attitudes and beliefs. When things don’t turn out as we’d like them to have turned out, we have a choice about how we are going to perceive and react to it. In the example you gave, it appears that you have decided that you are a failure (not that the project failed or didn’t work as planned), and consequently you experience much shame and low self-regard. What if you were to look at this as a problem to be solved, or a challenging opportunity to learn rather then a statement about your own worth? Success is born of learning from our mistakes and trying again. It has nothing to do with your worth. Your worth is inborn, and can’t be taken away. What you have lost through faulty beliefs is the recognition of and experience of your worth. This is an opportunity for you to work on correcting these faulty beliefs as a means of healing your misery.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m a straight male with this problem: I’ve fallen in love with someone who was a close friend for several years. Whenever we’re together I get absolutely paralyzed when I try to tell her how I feel. I’m normally shy anyway, but because of our friendship this situation seems even more awkward. I think she wants me to "make a pass" at her but I’m not sure and I don’t want to ruin our friendship if she doesn’t or if romance doesn’t work out. I really trust your advice. What do I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
If you want to move forward in this situation, you must learn to draw upon your inner courage. This is an opportunity for you to find that heartfelt place of courage that we all have inside – to discover your inner warrior. Courage is something that is strengthened through practice. Face your fears head on and try to view them objectively. View them with objectivity. Viewed from this perspective they tend to diminish in size. Still observing your fears, decide whether or not you are willing to risk the possible consequences if you express your feelings to your friend. Compare this with the consequences of not sharing your feelings with her. Should you decide it is worth the risk (and I hope you do decide this), then, with the awareness of the light of your inner courage, move forward into and through your fears. Don’t wait to be without fear before you move forward. This isn’t the way it works. Fears are conquered by moving forward despite the fear. Be with your inner experience of what is true for you, and, coming from your center (near your heart), go ahead and do what you know is right. Do not let fears detract you from doing what you know is right. Even if she doesn’t respond the way you’d like her to, you will have grown in inner strength and stature through practicing the development of your courage. A good book to read in this regard is "Face Your Fears (and Do It Anyway)" by Susan Jeffers.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center