Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have been married for over 20 years. He used to be kind to me and tell me he loved me every once in a while. After he left me and came back, he started treating me badly. He has always been abusive from time to time but he would always say he was sorry afterwards. I know I can be hard to live with sometimes, but I don’t think I deserve to be treated badly. He is no longer satisfied with anything I do. He says he just wants peace but he shows me no kindness. He is always criticizing me, talking about my weight, and about my having bad breath. He doesn’t desire me any more and I think I can’t stand another rejection.
I think he likes a certain girl, but when I confront him with it he tells me I’m crazy. But I’m not blind. This girl is a friend of my daughter’s and she comes to my house all the time. He teases her and jokes around with her even though he never jokes with me anymore. I know I need help. We lived around here for a long time and I don’t want it to get out. I want to try and fix it but I don’t know where to start.
Dr. Norquist responds:
If you want to try to "fix" this, you need to start with yourself. You do not have control over his behavior. Blaming him for not treating you lovingly just leaves you feeling resentful, angry, and unlovable. It does not do anything to help the situation. If you really want the situation to change, you must start by looking inside, not outside.
You seem to believe that you need your husband’s love and acceptance, and that this is what would be proof of your loveableness. You are giving him too much power here and because of this, you feel victimized by his behavior towards you. It is easy to get caught in a habitual emotional state that includes feeling unjustly victimized, self-righteous about blaming the other, and self-pitying and helpless with regard to your situation. This cluster of feelings can leave you stuck for years, not seeing that the way out is to take responsibility for your own life.
This starts by recognizing that you have choices with regard to how you see and respond to your husband’s behavior. Continually remind yourself that he is not the one who determines your loveableness. If he sees you as not loveable that says something about him. The fact that you believe him and keep trying to get his love says something about you. Take charge of your own life. Treat yourself with love. Take care of your health. Establish supportive mutual friendships. Make sure you are spending your life energy in ways that are in alignment with who you are, and what brings you joy.
By taking responsibility for your own emotional state, you will be reclaiming your own power and heading down the road towards a happier, healthier life. If this answer leaves you with more questions, feel free to write again.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a friend who I enjoy spending time with, who has been in a serious relationship with her boyfriend for the past two years. They recently broke up, and she asked me for advice on dealing with the situation. I think that he uses her. I encourage her to respect herself more, and not get back together until he treats her with respect and consideration. She says she agrees with me, but then he called her, they got together and she slept over at his apartment again. She says she agrees with me, and then goes back together with him as soon as he calls. Now she’ll be less available for our friendship (until they break up again and she wants support and advice from me). I resent the fact that she asks me for advice and then ignores it. I don’t know what to do.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You care about your friend. You want her to respect herself, and are upset to see her continuing in a relationship that you feel is harmful to her. You also resent it when she ignores and goes against the advice she seeks from you. Ideally, advice shouldn’t come with strings attached. Your friend has her own way of learning, her own path and lessons. Give her the respect of allowing her to learn in her own way. You cannot be responsible for changing her actions. This is her right, her responsibility to herself. Give your support, advice, and opinions, if asked, but try to be detached from what she does with it. Love and support her. Give her the freedom and acceptance that you yourself would desire from friendships and close relationships.
Try not to be overly needful of or dependent on her company or her agreement with your opinions. This will be a difficult relationship if you need her to be something she can’t be right now. Rely on your own inner resources and breadth of friends for your support and companionship needs. Use this as an opportunity to increase your ability to love and accept others for who they are, with all their seeming imperfections, and let go of any subconscious need for control, or respect from your friend. In so doing, you will create a more uplifting experience of life for yourself.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center