Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have no idea what to do with myself. I keep losing jobs one after the other and I really don’t know why. I do whatever I can to do my best and I don’t have an attitude with anybody. I am one of those sweet and innocent women who really looks young for her age. I went to secretarial school right after high school and have worked in many office jobs but I keep messing up the tasks I do. Some people get the impression that there is something wrong with me or that I am retarded (I have been told that more than once to my face). I also worked in customer service jobs as well and it’s the same thing. I don’t know if I am muddle-headed or if I get confused a lot or what! My family gets really frustrated with me since I am almost 30 years old. They give me the impression that I am a burden to them. I got all A’s in high school and I am presently going to the community college and continue to receive A’s as well. But I can’t seem to do anything right when I work on the job. Whatever advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.
Dr. Norquist responds:
In order to more properly assess your situation, I need more information. I’d like you to gather as much feedback as you can from family, friends, ex-employers, former and current co-workers, and current and former supervisors. Tell them you are seriously working on improving your performance on the job, and it would be tremendously helpful to you if they could let you know, either verbally, or through a written note, as directly as possible, the ways that they see that you could change to improve your functioning on the job. Try not to take offense at their replies; rather, treat it as vital information that you can use to help yourself. Gather as much information as you can, and then write me again with the information you receive. In the meantime, I can suggest some ideas to consider.
What we do know is that there is something going on that continues to make it difficult for you to make the shift into adulthood and independence. This leaves you dependent on your family at age 30. Could there be underlying unmet needs, or fears that are blocking this transition for you?
Could there be an underlying learning disability or attention deficit disorder that interferes with your ability to concentrate, or your ability to organize yourself? If so, are there situational factors that either ameliorate or exacerbate this condition? You seemed to be able to concentrate and organize yourself enough to get A’s in school, so what is it about the work environment that detracts from your abilities in this arena? Could it be the influence of social anxiety or extreme self-consciousness?
Could it be that you are trying to push yourself to make it in a field that is not right for you? What comes easily for you? What has always interested and excited you? These are the things you should look at in choosing a career. Look for a field that fits with your innate wiring.
Some people function in the world as if they are not grounded, not totally in their bodies, and certainly not focused on what is going on in the moment that they are in. if you feel that this describes you, then let me know, and I will write more about it. One straightforward way to help ground yourself is to engage in a regular and rhythmical physical activity – especially one that requires you to pay attention to what is going on in the moment. Please consider these ideas, gather more information, and write me again!
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am having an affair with a married man. We have been seeing each other for over two years. He has three children in his marriage, a boy who is 21 and two girls, 17 and 11 years old. He has told me that he will not leave until his youngest daughter is about 16 and that she is the reason he is still staying in his marriage.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to trust him. I suppose in my situation that is not uncommon given the circumstances. I feel like I’m in limbo. The thought of waiting another five years for him worries me as I feel like all my trust will vanish. The thought of him, in the end, choosing his wife over me after all these years makes a part of me despise him, because I hurt when I realize I may not be important enough in his life.
I hate myself when I blame his wife because she has never done anything to me, but I get so jealous and frustrated. I think I find it easier to blame her as if it is her fault for keeping us apart, rather than look at him and realize he is the one doing it. Please help me to sort out my feelings. I need help.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You deserve a whole relationship, with a man who is able to meet you at least halfway. You are in a dis-empowered position (inside yourself) because you are in a relationship where you crave a commitment from someone who is not available. The inequality of this situation leaves you feeling jealous and mistrustful. He’s right, his responsibility is to his children first. Your responsibility is to yourself. This situation was not fair from the beginning, because he has a prior commitment. Your anger is based on an expectation he cannot fulfill. Decide to recognize your worth, and go for a relationship based on equality and physical and emotional availability.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center