Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m having trouble recovering from the September 11th tragedy. It took the life of one of my neighbors. Although we were not good friends, he was a part of my life. He would always greet me with a smile and ask how I was, and how my family was. Sometimes we would take the same PATH train to work. He was full of life and always had an opinion to offer or a joke to share. I keep thinking – he was so full of life, it just doesn’t make sense that he was robbed of life so young, and so suddenly. Although I wasn’t aware of it beforehand, he filled a spot in my life just because of who he was as a person – a spot that is now empty. He had so much spirit. I can’t believe he’s gone.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is a tribute to your neighbor that his death touches you in this way. What was it about him that touched you so? It appears that it was his zest for life, the fact that he was "full of life." Isn’t this a wonderful thing, that he touched people so with his life spirit? None of us ever know when our moment of death will arrive. But wouldn’t it be great to live life such that people are touched in this same way by our lives? This entails embracing life, living deeply, fully, and whole-heartedly – bringing the spirit of who we are into our daily encounters. Those whose lives were touched by your friends’ life will now be the ones to carry on fond memories of him. This is a role you can partake in, and in so doing his spirit lives on.
Time marches on, and that empty spot will fade. We will go about the task of recovering, because that is the nature of the human spirit. Life is not meant to be without loss and suffering. It is part of the richness of the tapestry of life. Mass murders and horrific tragedies occur regularly around the world; it’s just that it has never hit us so close to home before. These experiences force us to ponder more deeply the nature of death and the nature of life. Use this experience to re-evaluate how you are living your own precious, time-limited life.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a real problem, not with meeting a woman, but with keeping a woman I like. I know I am very picky and I either lose interest and let her go or the spark just goes away and we part. I’m seeing this girl right now, who seems almost perfect and I really don’t want the spark to go away. In noticing my prior difficulties with losing the spark, I was wondering if you have any suggestions about how I can keep the spark alive? Thanks for your help.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Where does the spark come from? Is it something your girlfriend carries, or something that you carry within yourself? The truth is, the spark originates within ourselves, and then we project it on to another. Then we think we need that special someone in order to feel the spark. This kind of thinking leaves us craving the other. We think we need that special someone in our lives in order to be happy. This craving to hold on to something that we think we can only get from that special other takes us away from our own center. It is our craving to hold onto that spark that snuffs it out. It is our need for that spark that is its’ demise. When you are in touch with that spark inside yourself, it is easy to see it in others. When you are off-center, pursuing that spark in someone else, it becomes elusive and impossible to hold on to. Love is a feeling that originates within yourself. Nurture it there, and you will have no trouble seeing it reflected in your relationships with others.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2001 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center