Dear Dr. Norquist:
This has been a terrible week for my family. Tragedies are happening all around. Last week my son was involved in a fistfight with a classmate. He’s OK now, but seeing his bloody face and his tears was very upsetting. Two days later, my brother-in-law lost his job (in the construction business) and two days after that, my other sister’s husband lost a lawsuit where his company is being sued for $2.5 million. It’s so unfair. There was clearly foul play involved but earlier she signed a contract that hinders her ability to protect herself legally. I feel like my family’s world is falling down around me. I’m scared, and very upset. I don’t know how to understand this. I know it’s not good to be negative, but the world is looking pretty unfriendly and un-trustable to me right now. How can I be positive with all this going on, and who knows what’s next.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Remember that fear is your enemy. The more you allow it to take hold of your heart, the more disconnected you will become from all that is uplifting in life. Fear leads us to close our hearts, which cuts off the emotional nourishment we need to be happy and healthy and interacting positively with life. In a closed-hearted state, we are disconnected from ourselves, others, and spirit. It is a lonely place to be, an island unto yourself. It is from this disconnected place that people start to wonder if life is worth living. This place breeds fear, anxiety, depression, hatred and a very self-absorbed perspective on life. You must be vigilant in not letting fear take root in your heart.
On one level, life can be seen as a battle between love and fear. We have the opportunity to be warriors fighting our own internal battle with fear (and the related feelings of anxiety, anger, hatred, jealously, depression, and unworthiness). The most powerful weapon we have in fighting these enemies is the awareness of God/Spirit in our lives, and the ability to experience our own worth and our innate loveableness. The battles vary in intensity. Sometimes we have a series of battles to fight one after the other. Sometimes we’ll get a respite, a time when life feels calmer, more flowing and less challenging. You are in a period of intense battles, demanding great warrior skills. If you have been in the practice of building your resources through feeding your relationship with God/Spirit, and owning your loveableness, you will be well prepared for the current challenges.
Take time everyday to do something that helps you to recognize an uplifting, higher-order presence in your life, in whatever form feels most right and true to you. You could do this through meditation, prayer, time in nature, play, uplifting reading material or music, or whatever else works for you. Practice giving yourself the understanding that you do not have to do anything to prove your worth. You do not have to look or act a certain way, or to achieve or accomplish anything to be worthy. Your worth is innate. It just is. It’s a fact of our existence. Tell yourself this several times a day – but especially when you catch yourself judging yourself or thinking negative thoughts about yourself. By consistently doing this, you can change your perception of yourself. Try to keep in perspective what is most important to you in life. In addition, by consciously recognizing the blessings that exist in your life (despite the current tragedies), you will find it much easier to stay positive. Think of this as a time when you will have many opportunities to practice your warrior skills, and remember that this time too shall pass.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I really need to know how to communicate with my husband. I have a hard time doing that because I can’t express any of my feelings to him. I do love him and I don’t want him to leave me because of this. Please I need your help. Plus one more thing, I’m trying to communicate but it seems like he thinks I’m not trying hard enough. So please, I’m desperate, I really need your help. Thanks for your time.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I’m not sure what kind of feelings you are struggling with in communicating with your husband. Are they warm, loving feelings that you feel awkward and vulnerable expressing openly? Are they feelings that you fear may engender hurt or anger on his part? Stop and ask yourself exactly what it is you’d like to say to your husband. Now look at your fears, and determine exactly what they are. Ask yourself, is it worth giving so much power to these fears? What is the worst that could happen from communicating this with your husband? What are you creating, i.e., what are the consequences of not communicating? Decide to do what is best for you and your relationship, in spite of your fears. Consciously choose to not let fear rule in your life.
Next practice what you’d like to say to your husband – first non-verbally (to yourself) and then out-loud (still by yourself). In your mind, see yourself saying this to your husband and visualizing his response. Be sure your statements come from your heart, are not worded in such a way as to engender defensiveness on his part. After practicing this with yourself, choose the right time to say it out-loud to your husband. Remember – it does not have to be perfect. It will take awhile before this becomes easy. Putting yourself in this position, over and over again, is the only way to start diminishing your fears. Remember, through facing your fears and communicating with your husband, you are empowering yourself, increasing your self-esteem, expanding, deepening and enriching your world, and allowing for more intimacy and genuineness in your relationship. I think it’s worth a good try, don’t you?
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique