Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m at a crossroad in my life and I’m not sure how to move forward. I have one daughter, and she will soon be going away to college. I’ve spent the past 17 years as a mother and wife pouring myself into taking care of my daughter and my husband. Before marriage, I graduated from law school, but I’ve never used my training and I’m no longer interested in this field. My husband and I have difficulties. He is depressed a lot and lately, so am I. My meaning in life has come from loving and caring for my daughter and from my involvement with the church. I’m afraid of falling into an emotional hole next year when my daughter goes to college if I don’t find something else I can pour myself into. But I can’t seem to find anything. What do you suggest?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Yes, you are at a crossroad, and this is good! Some psychologists might call it a mid-life crisis. Joan Borysenko, a psychologist who wrote a book about the feminine life cycle (A Woman’s Book of Life) calls it the "Mid-life Metamorphosis." A crossroad creates a clearing, an open space in our lives where we have an opportunity to look up from the busy road we’ve been following (often blindly) and question which road we’d like to take next. Questions arise from inside that we may not have confronted since young adulthood. Who am I? What’s important to me in life? What makes me happy? What makes life worthwhile? It is quite natural that as your daughter is leaving the home you are re-evaluating your life. Your depression appears to be a trigger for re-evaluating your life, and as such, it is serving a useful purpose in your life
Rather then finding something or someone else to "pour" yourself into, perhaps this is a time to develop your own inner sense of wholeness. Get to know yourself. Discover what is most important to you. Borysenko talks of the triad of love, peace of mind, and service to others as values that characterize the wisdom that woman often embody as they emerge from their mid-life metamorphosis. Be as clear as possible about your most cherished values, and focus on bringing your actions into alignment with what holds the most meaning for you. Do not be afraid to make changes. If you are clear about what feels right and true to you, you must not let your fear get in the way of making the necessary changes to bring your daily life into alignment with your values. It is the moment by moment experience that brings meaning, and that feeds your soul. Ultimately, it is the process of living life that is more important then any particular outcome or achievement.
On a practical level, if you are looking for a career path or structured activity to engage in that is in alignment with your values and interests, college counseling centers often offer vocational interest and aptitude tests, as well as career counseling. For a fee, they may be willing to let you use their services. Remember, however, that this is an important time in your life. Ideally, what you choose to do with your time evolves from actions you take that are in alignment with your most cherished values, rather then from trying to pour yourself into a particular career, role, or relationship. This is a time for inner growth and development, for discovering and acting from your own wholeness. Use this time well and it will serve you well.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have a problem with my girlfriend of one year. She feels more than I do in our relationship and thus has decided that she needs to break off our relationship. I feel very comfortable with the relationship but I understand that to be supportive I must do everything I can to make her happy. I know it’s not my responsibility, but as her boyfriend I want her to be happy regardless. If she tells me to leave I know I must, but what do I do about our relationship after that? How do I react to this situation?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your words suggest that you are mostly reacting to her feelings and actions. What do you feel? You are focusing on the outside. Look inside. What do you want? This is what she needs to know from you, and what you need to know for yourself. Discover your own truth – what is right for you. You are creating your own life, moment to moment. Seize a hold of this understanding and consciously create what you want for your life. Don’t just react to her, or resign yourself to following her lead.
Spend some time looking within, asking what you want, and getting to know yourself. If you don’t want more involvement or commitment, ask yourself why. Does the relationship or the timing not feel right, or are you fearful? If you find you don’t want to lose this relationship, then state your feelings clearly and directly, and from your heart. Then you will know how to proceed in this relationship.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center