Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am desperate and am writing to you in the hope you can help me. I suspected my husband of 17 years was having an affair and my suspicions became reality when I found photos and notes to him from another woman, after going through his things. While I feel bad for doing this, his behavior left me no choice. He would receive cell phone calls constantly, come home late and we stopped having sex.
I didn’t say anything at first, I thought he would, once he noticed "things" missing but he didn’t. When I did say something he said he loves me and never had an affair. He told me the calls were from a woman at work, just a friend. Two years later and I still never said what I found. My thoughts make me sick. I love my husband very much and our daughter is such a beautiful 12 year-old. During "the time" many significant events happened – he turned 40, he lost weight, and September 11th.
I know in my heart what the answer is. I could forgive him if he had been honest. What should I do? Please help me. Thank you very much.
Dr. Norquist responds:
It is not good for you to keep these feelings inside, and "suffer" in silence. You say your thoughts are making you sick. If you continue with these inner tormenting thoughts and feelings you run the risk of creating physical illness as well.
What are your fears regarding talking openly with him about the "things" you found and how you have been feeling for the past two years? I suspect you are reticent to rock the boat, with regard to your marriage and family life. But what are you accomplishing by keeping it all inside and suffering in silence? The marriage is not intimate, there is a lack of trust on your part, and you are sacrificing your emotional and physical health. If you feel this badly after two years, how will it feel 10 years from now? How can this ever be resolved if you keep it hidden away inside?
If he did have an affair, it does not necessarily mean that the marriage is over. How the two of you deal with it will determine whether these wounds will heal or not. I have worked with couples whose marriages have become stronger and deeper as they worked openly and honestly to save their marriage after an affair. I’ve also worked with many couples who were not willing or able to overcome this wound. Both parties have to genuinely and deeply desire to work to heal the wound in the relationship.
For your own health and peace of mind, you may need to risk losing your marriage as it is today, and bring your fears and mistrust out into the open. In the long run, wouldn’t this be better then living a life full of inner torment and emotional and physical illness? Remember, your state of mind determines the quality of your life.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I have no idea what to do with myself. I keep losing jobs one after the other and I really don’t know why. I do whatever I can to do my best and I don’t have an attitude with anybody. I am one of those sweet and innocent women who really looks young for her age. I went to secretarial school right after high school and worked in many office jobs but keep messing up in the tasks I do. Some people get the impression that there is something wrong with me or that I am retarded (I have been told that more than once to my face). I also worked in customer service jobs as well and it’s the same thing. I don’t know if I am muddle-headed or if I get confused a lot or what! My family gets really frustrated with me since I am almost 30 years old and give me the impression that I am a burden to them. I got all As in high school and I am presently going to the community college and continue to receive A’s as well. But I can’t seem to do anything right when I work on the job. Whatever advice you can give me will be greatly appreciated.
Dr. Norquist responds:
In order to more properly assess your situation, I need more information. I’d like you to gather as much feedback as you can from family, friends, ex-employers, former and current co-workers, and current and former supervisors. Tell them you are seriously working on improving your performance on the job, and it would be tremendously helpful to you if they could let you know, either verbally, or through a written note, as directly as possible, the ways that they see that you could change to improve your functioning on the job. Try not to take offense at their replies; rather, treat it as vital information that you can use to help yourself. Gather as much information as you can, and then write me again with the information you receive. In the meantime, I can suggest some ideas to consider.
What we do know is that there is something going on that continues to make it difficult for you to make the shift into adulthood and independence. This leaves you dependent on your family at age 30. Could there be underlying unmet needs, or fears that are blocking this transition for you? Could there be an underlying learning disability or attention deficit disorder that interferes with your ability to concentrate, or your ability to organize yourself? If so, are there situational factors that either ameliorate or exacerbate this condition? You seemed to be able to concentrate and organize yourself enough to get A’s in school, so what is it about the work environment that detracts from your abilities in this arena? Could it be the influence of social anxiety or extreme self-consciousness? Could it be that you are trying to push yourself to make it in a field that is not right for you? What comes easily for you? What has always interested and excited you? These are the things you should look at in choosing a career. Look for a field that fits with your innate wiring.
Some people function in the world as if they are not grounded, not totally in their bodies, and certainly not focused on what is going on in the moment that they are in. if you feel that this describes you, then let me know, and I will write more about it. One straightforward way to help ground yourself is to engage in a regular and rhythmical physical activity – especially one that requires you to pay attention to what is going on in the moment. Please consider these ideas, gather more information, and write me again!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique Ó 2002 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center