Dear Dr. Norquist: I have a problem with being negative all the time. I don’t like this about myself, but it’s just the way I seem to be. Compared to my wife, I notice I always seem to put a negative, cynical spin on things. I’d like to be more positive, but I can’t. When I try to be positive it feels like I’m just pretending, or denying the truth. It bothers my wife that I’m always so negative – but how can I be different if this is the only thing that feels true to me? Dr. Norquist responds: I can see your predicament. You are perplexed about how you can be genuine and true to yourself and be positive at the same time. What you need to learn is how to have a positive take on life and have this feel genuine and true. Do you believe that those who have a positive approach to life are just duping themselves? Could it be that life could be viewed either positively or negatively, and both would be true in the eye of the perceiver? There is an immense advantage however, for those who have learned to view things from a positive perspective. They tend to be healthier (both physically and emotionally), their experience of life is more satisfying and enjoyable, and their relationships tend to be richer, more plentiful and more rewarding. Given this, which approach would you consciously choose? Recent research using the MRI is illuminating how our experiences shape neurological development (see J. LeDoux, The Synaptic Brain, 2002). This research shows that the brain can be re-wired as a result of changes in our thinking and in our experiencing. I’d suggest that you practice providing for yourself an experience of the world as positive and trustworthy. The process of doing this is as follows: (see Gray, Richard, Federal Probation Quarterly, Vol. 66, 2002) think of a time (even if it was just for a moment) when you felt positive – the way you would like to experience the world on a regular basis. Step into this memory and make sure you are actually in the experience ( i.e., in the movie, not watching it from the outside). Notice what you are seeing, hearing, and feeling. Notice any patterns of tension in your muscles. Become very familiar with this state, and then step out of it, and back to the present. Step into this memory again and make it more intense. Turn up the sounds. Make the picture larger and brighter. Make the colors more intense. Pay attention to your physiological sensations and make them more intense as well. Come fully back to the present. Now step into the memory experience once more and zoom right into the most intense part. Make it bigger, brighter, and closer. Turn up the volume. Notice your physiological sensations, and enhance them. Be with this experience until it fades. Practice this experience frequently (several times a day for 3 or 4 weeks) until it feels like a normal, familiar way to view the world. In so doing, you are actually stimulating your brain to respond to, assimilate and affirm this experience as real and genuine. This exercise can be used to consciously create and practice any cognitive-emotional-physiological experience that you would like to enhance. Try it and see! Dear Dr. Norquist: It seems like I’m always stressed out, I make lists everyday of what has to be done because there is so much going on, with my work, my home, and my children’s activities. I’m always on the go, often doing two things at once. I find myself so run by the clock, so up tight about time. I’m so tense most of the time that I can’t take a deep breath – my chest is so tight. I’m always looking toward the future, when I envision that things will be calmer. I know this is not a good way to live my life – but I don’t know what else to do, because all these things have to get done. Do you have any suggestions for me? Dr. Norquist responds: I recently read a review of a new book by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. In it she relates the main messages passed on by the thousands of people she has worked with over the years who are in the process of reviewing their lives as they ready themselves to leave this world. I was struck by the fact that many of them said they wished they had played more, and had not taken life so seriously. It seems to be a hallmark of adulthood to be serious, and to neglect the need to play. The demands and responsibilities of life seem to accrue over time, but we neglect to realize that the approach we take towards these demands and responsibilities is up to us. We can choose to practice responding to life in a light-hearted, playful manner. Can you think of anyone that you know who does this? People like this are quite appealing. We are drawn to their humor, and to the atmosphere they create when interacting with others. This is something you can also create, if you choose to, with practice. To do this, it is helpful to stand back, and see your life and all of life from a distance. This kind of a perspective allows us to be a little more detached and lighthearted and more aware of what’s really important to us. There is a richness in the present moment that most of us Westerners fail to notice or to let ourselves experience. We let ourselves get carried away with ordinary concerns, and worries, planning for the future, and doing what has to be done just to get it done. Practice bringing your whole self to the present. Focus your attention on what you are hearing, seeing, tasting, and experiencing kinesthetically. Embrace the present moment. Consent with your whole being to whatever is occurring this moment. This will bring a richness and a depth that is currently missing in your approach to your daily activities. An analogy that may be helpful here is to focus on an awareness of the depth of the ocean, rather then just reacting to the surface waves (which can be likened to the constant worrying and planning and other clutter that habitually consumes our thoughts). Take these ideas and add to them and personalize them so that you can incorporate them into your experience of your life. They are stress-reducing, life enhancing tips that do not require extra time from you – just a change in approach. Good luck and feel free to write again and let me know how it’s working. Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700.