Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been with my boyfriend for several years now. We met in college and I came with him back to Hoboken (his hometown) after we graduated. I am going to grad school in Manhattan (with a small stipend), while he works to pay the household bills. We are very compatible in many ways and have a lot of fun together.He wants to get married and I’ll probably say yes. I have some concerns though that I don’t know how to resolve – and I don’t know if my concerns are severe enough to leave a relationship that has a lot of comfort in it for me. Specifically 1) he sometimes puts me down and embarrasses me in front of my friends, 2) often, things have to be his way, and only his way, and 3) he would never leave this area, while I’m from a small town and do not feel at home settling in a city-type environment. It’s just not who I am, and 4) I can’t support myself on the small stipend I’ve been given, and my parents won’t help out. He can also be quite critical of me although at heart I know he is a good person. I’m going to be 30 next year, so I don’t want to spend another couple of years in making this decision. What do you think?
Dr. Norquist responds:
What does your heart tell you when you picture your wedding day with your boyfriend? Does it feel right inside? Do you feel an easy sense of happiness and joy arising from within? If not, then there is something amiss here, and marrying right now would be a compromise.
Take time alone to envision the kind of relationship that you most long for. What are the qualities that characterize this relationship? Are you doing your best to bring these qualities out in yourself as you interact in this relationship? What compromises would you be making to say "yes" to this current relationship, and what are the long-term effects of these compromises? It sounds like you experience a lack of respect and a lack of consideration in this relationship. Look at the frequency with which this occurs, and whether or not your boyfriend is able to make changes in this area. How do you think it would be for you having a partner who tends to disrespect your needs or who needs things to be his way in the future, if you are a mother of young children?
Healthy marriages tend to be characterized as having partners who do not need the other in order to function happily in their lives. The less the need, the greater the freedom to love unconditionally.
Whatever decision you make, you will have many opportunities to learn and to grow. Either path will allow life to present new challenges – which it always will. It’s helpful, however, to learn the art of making decisions in life that lighten, rather than burden our travels. I’d ask you to don your inner courage, and look beyond current need satisfaction as you make your decision.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
My 8-years-old son is afraid of everything. He doesn’t want to learn how to ride a bike because he’s afraid of falling off. He cries about everything, including being yelled at, or being bothered by another child. I signed him up for Boy Scouts. I’ve encouraged him to join some kind of sports but he’s not interested because of the fear of hurting himself.
I’m afraid that someone will beat him up. I’ve heard that karate will build up a boy’s self-esteem and it may help him to get over his fears. Of course, he doesn’t want to go for fear of getting hurt. Do you think this is the right thing for him? Please give me some advice.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Children are born with different temperaments, and our job as parents is to do our best to assist our children to blossom in their own individual way, given who they are and how they engage with the world. We use our resources and our ingenuity to try to guide and support them, but much as we’d like to sometimes, we can’t do it for them. They have their own lessons to learn from this school of life, as do we in our roles as parents.
I think it’s great that you are providing him opportunities (such as Boy Scouts) to find a niche where he can feel comfortable. Karate can be very helpful, if you find a teacher who can appreciate who he is, and treat him with patience and acceptance. Help him to discover and strengthen the areas where he excels. Invite classmates over to encourage the development of friendships with his peers. Eventually his concern about how his friends perceive him will give him the internal push he needs to practice more boldness. You may also want to investigate Bach Flower Remedies, as there are several specific remedies for fears and over-sensitivities.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700.
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