Dr. Norquist

Could you give me some advice about how to improve my sleep? I’ve always been a light sleeper – but lately it’s been worse than ever. I know part of it is stress. I worry a lot and my mind seems to keep going, even when I’m tired. I toss and turn all night. My husband has started snoring in the past few months so that doesn’t help either. It’s very frustrating to have to get up and go to work after only a few hours of good sleep. I’m fatigued most of the time. I don’t want to take sleeping pills. What else can I do to help myself?

Dr. Norquist responds:

We all know that developing a certain bedtime routine or ritual is an important part of teaching our children how to move from wakefulness to peaceful sleep. We try to keep a consistency to their bedtime and waking hours. We monitor their evening activity level, so that they are not too riled up to go to sleep. This bedtime sleep-inducing wisdom has a biological foundation. Why is it that as adults we forget the basics of good sleep hygiene: a regular routine, consistent sleep and waking cycles, and evening activities that are calming rather then energizing? Applying our hard-earned parenting wisdom regarding sleep to ourselves will go a long way toward reducing insomnia. I’d suggest you develop a bedtime ritual that you initiate one hour before retiring. This could include relaxing reading material, a warm bath and a warm glass of milk (which contains tryptophan, which contributes to sleep). Progressive relaxation (alternately tensing and relaxing the muscles of your body, from your toes to your head), relaxing stretches, and yoga postures are also an extremely beneficial addition to your bedtime routine. Valerian root and lemon balm are herbal supplements that have often been used to assist with insomnia. If you find yourself worrying, write your worries down and put the paper aside until morning. If you are concerned about the many tasks that the next day holds in store, make a list, and then put it aside ’til the next day. Keep your bedroom dark and the temperature cool. Use your bed only for sleeping, resting and sexual intimacy, so that you do not associate it with wakeful activities. Earplugs may help with your husband’s snoring.

On those days when sleep still eludes you, don’t force yourself. Acceptance of this situation will provide for a more peaceful night’s rest.

Dear Dr. Norquist:

This is going to sound like a strange question to ask, but I’m going to do it anyway, because you don’t know me, so I won’t have to feel embarrassed. But my problem is that I don’t know who I am. I mean, I know I’m a 24 year-old N.J. woman, and that I work in the retail business, and I have an OK body and short blond hair, but I don’t really know who I am. Because of this, I have trouble making decisions for myself, and am always asking my parents and my friends what they think is right for me. I’ve got friends to hang out with but I find myself just following them in their interests and activities, because I don’t know what I really like, and besides, I want to be accepted by them. I’m not even sure what job is right for me. I do my work fine, but it is kind of boring. Anyway, I’m lost. Can you help me?

Dr. Norquist responds: Please know that many people struggle with similar feelings, especially while they are in their twenties. We spend so much time focused on the outside world, and so little time alone with ourselves, that we rarely take time out from the stimulation and busyness of everyday life to listen to our own feelings, needs and inner yearnings. How do you get to know and feel comfortable with someone else? I think a common response would be “by spending time with that person, and by listening to their feelings, their thoughts and their experiences.” How often do you do this with your own self? It may sound like a strange request, to spend time with yourself, listening to your feelings and needs, however, we discover who we are meant to be from the inside out, not from the outside in. We lose ourselves by trying to fit in and be like others. When we live to please others, or for others’ approval, we give our power away. Your strength and your power come from being who you are, not from being who someone else needs you to be.

The next time you have to make a decision, even a small one, try to refrain from the habit of asking someone else what he or she thinks. Instead, turn within and ask yourself what feels right to you. If you listen inside you’ll get a kind of a “felt sense” of what’s right for you. This “felt sense” comes from your body, or your heart, or your gut, rather then from your head. The mind is fickle. It sometimes operates as if it is not attached to the body. We often follow the currents of the mind and get caught up in the world around us. In so doing, we lose sight of our own inner truth. The more you practice the habit of turning within, the more you develop a line of communication with your core self. By doing this, you start to operate from your own internal core self. This will allow you to become more empowered in whatever you choose to do. I’d also suggest that you set aside quiet time on a regular basis, just to be with yourself without outside distractions. In this way, you will come to know and befriend yourself, and that “lost” feeling will dissipate.

Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.

Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique  2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center