You’re staring at my toes. Okay, dammit, I’ve had some work done. I get sick of competing with three-toed egos, so I had a toe added.Between you and me, I still have only seven vertebrae, not the nine my Central American compatriots sport. You say you can tell I’m two-toed by my Brazilian accent? Well, good for you. Like I give a crap. Let me say this – I can hang upside down twice as long as the damn three-toed Bradypus. (God what a pedestrian name. Compare it to the elegance of mine – Choloepus.)
You ask how can I just spend 15 hours a day sleeping, hardly ever coming down from my branch? I respond vigorously: It’s not the same damn branch; I switch off, idiot. And as far as sleeping, Jesus, I’m a goddamn sloth, did you expect a chess champion?
Besides, the jungle’s not all that fascinating after the first six months. I will say it’s a damn good thing I’m a light sleeper. Everything from snakes, harpies, jaguars, ocelots (like I can really tell the difference) – and of course the stink bomb of the life chain, human beings – all want to shoot, bite, strangle, poison, and aggravate me to death. For what, I ask?
In case you haven’t noticed, I’m covered with gooey, smelly, itchy algae, my hair curves opposite that of other mammals, from stomach to back, I gum my leaves, I can’t grip anything including my ass with these stupid claws, the search goes on for my incisors, I’m slow as crap on the ground, but I can swim forever. My brown hair, when wet, is quite sensual, though. Want to feel? No, of course not. You’re looking for a NINE-vertebrae Guatemalan hanger.
You’re put off by the fact that I do everything upside down, including screwing. I even give birth upside down. It’s not that difficult once you do it a few times. Only disadvantage I can see is snot keeps running down my throat instead of out my snout. You don’t care. You just see a pudgy tree hugger, too small to be a bear, too slow to be a cheetah, too dumb to move up the ranks of the animal kingdom. Like I really want to hang with chimps. I’ll say this – put me next to an anteater and see who you go home with.
And this nonsense about the GIANT GROUND SLOUTH being extinct – you should see my cousin Alex. The pig is 75 pounds overweight and would eat his own damn tree if he had incisors. Nothing against pigs, just an expression.
So…you gonna buy me a hootch of insects or just keep staring at my toes? Nine vertebrae, seven, who’s counting? – Joe Del Priore
Joe Del Priore, a frequent contributor to the Current, lives in Hudson County
Editor’s note: I wonder if this is the same sloth they kept showing on Survivor.