(Dr. Norquist is on vacation this week. We are re-running letters that were published earlier in this column.)
Dear Dr. Norquist:
All my life I’ve not liked the way I look or who I am as a person. I try to hide this but inside I’m always feeling not as good as others. I see myself as too fat, too selfish, not smart enough, and certainly not interesting enough. I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to change these feelings. Now I have a daughter who is becoming a teenager, and I see her struggling with the same feelings about herself. Seeing this really bothers me, because I see it as my fault. What can I do to help her (and me)?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Try the practice of choosing to take yourself and life more lightly. Try to be gentle and light in your attitude toward yourself and life. We don’t have to make such a big deal about ourselves, or the whole show of life. Doing this will ease the burden you are carrying. It’s human nature to take our lives and ourselves too seriously. As a consequence, we do not see or experience the richness of the world. It’s like we’re walking down the highway of life without looking around us to see, listen to, and experience what is all around us. We get caught up in our inner reverie about our “inadequacies”, or our resentment about others’ “inadequacies”, and the richness and enjoyment of life, there for the experiencing, eludes us. When you find yourself in this state (as we all do, much of the time), try to apply the attitude of taking yourself lightly, and treating yourself gently. If you model this for your daughter, she may also be able to learn from you this way of uplifting oneself.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’m having problems dealing with my anger. Basically I feel happy most of the time but I get angry easily over very trivial things, like my husband getting home 10 minutes late. I usually forget about the issue after I rant and rave for about 5 minutes.
I’m not sure if it is hormonal or if I am just a lunatic. All I know is that I’m driving my poor husband crazy as well as myself. He is loving and extremely helpful with baby (takes turns changing and waking up for baby since she was born). It makes me feel horrible when I behave this way because it makes him feel as if nothing he does is good enough. He is probably one of the best husbands ever – especially for being so patient with me.
When I get angry, it’s as if my blood is boiling and I just can’t let it go! Why can’t I control myself? I never get angry at my baby – for her I have an abundance of patience. My baby is nearly 5 months old now. Besides my fits, my husband and I have been so happy since she was born. Do I have post-partum depression?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I am assuming from your letter that this excess anger is a new behavior for you and is not one of your past tendencies.
It is possible that your system has not yet come back into balance since the hormonal and other tremendous physiological changes during pregnancy. You may want to check with your physician for his or her advice. In addition, acupuncture, subtle energy healing and Jin Shin Do can all be helpful in restoring balance and harmony in your system – emotionally as well as physically.
If the excess anger is not from a physiological or energetic imbalance, try paying attention to your subconscious thoughts and feelings for cues. Babies are extremely demanding, and their constant demands can feel overwhelming and emotionally as well as physically draining. It’s hard to keep giving when the well is dry. This situation can lead to subconscious resentments that may be directed toward your partner. This is especially difficult for women who never received the emotional nourishment they needed when they were children because they tend not to have as deep of a well to draw from. This well, or emotional reservoir, is also shallow if you are not receiving enough support in your relationship, your friendships, your attitudes towards yourself, your weekly routines, and your sleeping and eating patterns.
Your husband has recently moved into the role of father, both in actuality, and in your mental image of and definition of him. How did you feel about your own father? Another possibility is that you are subconsciously expecting your husband to act as your father did, and because of this, are not seeing him clearly. Hopefully this information is helpful.
Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed clinical psychologist in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken. Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding and treating physical symptoms and health-related concerns. Practitioners of the following techniques are available to answer your questions: psychology, acupuncture, therapeutic and neuromuscular massage, yoga, meditation, spiritual & transpersonal psychology, Reiki, CranioSacral Therapy, and Alexander Technique 2004 Chaitanya Counseling and Stress Management Center