You monkey-thieving bastards, may God have mercy on your souls.
I challenge anyone to find that sentence elsewhere in the written word. Yet unfortunately, in this case it’s applicable – monkeys have been stolen, and I want them back with their rightful owners.
No, they’re not infected monkeys stolen from a research lab, so no need to get all wigged out about some freaky 28 Days Later scenario. In fact, they’re not even real monkeys.
A statue depicting the venerable “See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil” monkeys was swiped from Duffy’s (239 Bloomfield St., Hoboken) last Thursday night in a soulless act of larceny. You see, the statue didn’t belong to the bar but to my buddy Brian, who was inside celebrating his birthday.
I won’t say how old he turned, since that would be somewhat insensitive – let’s just say he stopped watching reruns of thirtysomething last week because he just can’t relate to it anymore. Regardless, a rousing surprise party was held in his honor last Thursday at the aforementioned establishment, and one of the gifts he received was the aforementioned statue (Look, Hal found a nifty new word, which was aforementioned!).
But as the celebration drew to a close, we realized the monkeys were nowhere to be found.
Suffice to say the evening was tarnished by the pitiless act of primate pilfering. Brian didn’t even have a chance to hang out with his monkeys. His girlfriend didn’t even have the chance to grow to hate the statue as it sat prominently displayed in the living room under his “Dogs Playing Poker” painting, which hangs between “Three Stooges Golfing” poster and the “John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky College Sweatshirt” poster (I’m not saying Brian has these things, I’m just saying I’d have them if I had this statue).
And what makes it more disturbing is that it happened in our bar. I mean sure, you hear stories about people stealing monkeys from other bars all the time, but you never think it’s going to happen in your bar.
As Brian asked me who would steal a statue like that, I thought, “Hell, I would – it’s a pretty cool statue.” But here’s the deal: We’re getting that statue back, and we’re getting it ASAP.
If you stole the statue, I want you to bring it back to Duffy’s and return it – no questions asked. If you know who stole the statue, I want you to tell them to bring it back to Duffy’s and return it – no questions asked. If you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who was at some guy’s apartment and they had this really cool monkey statue that they just got the other day, I want you to tell them to bring it back to Duffy’s and return it – no questions asked.
What’s the reward? Simple – it’s karma.
I’m a firm believer in karma. Did I swipe stuff from bars when I was younger and think it was cool? You bet your ass I did – and now I’m schleppin’ booze for tips and dealing with drunken idiots at a bar while I’m doing the whole “struggling writer” thing. How’s that for karma, my friends?
In all seriousness, bring it back. It’s the right thing to do, it’s the cool thing to do, and I’ll even throw in a free drink. Like I said, I would have swiped it too. But now I know not to, because you have no idea what the significance of something like is to someone. In this case, it was his birthday present. Now, that’s pretty low. And if the karma and a free drink aren’t enough to bring you around, let me put it to you this way – Brian is one big $*@%, so pray he doesn’t happen to come into your house one day and see his monkeys sitting there.
Stay tuned for more information on Monkeygate. I look forward to the uplifting conclusion.
Oh, and happy birthday, Brian.
(P.S.: I’d be out of line if I didn’t wish my buddy Joe Dietzmann a happy birthday as well and thank his friends and family for a great party down in Philly this past weekend. I won’t say how old Joe is either. I’ll just remind him that I’m still 29 – at least, for another two months.)
You should have wished your editor a happy birthday, too. Where’s my monkey? – Ed.
******************************************************* Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, N.J. where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.