We live in an era where everything apparently needs to be rated on a scale, put at a certain level, or color-coded to indicate a degree of impact or urgency. We have the Homeland Security Threat Level Yellow, Category X Hurricanes, The Fujita Tornado Damage Scale, Pollen and Pollution Indexes, and now the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Association plans to assign a similar rating system to snowstorms.
I figure why stop there? Why not assign a classification to everything going on in our world so that we uninformed masses can simply skim over events in the news and determine just how scared we should really be. It’s not like we should be expected to pay attention to everything – spell it out for us, make it easier. Then and only then will we be able to follow along.
Let’s start with politics and my proposed Woodward-Bernstein Scale.
Of course Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein are best known for their work in exposing the Nixon Administration’s questionable domestic espionage. So I guess it would go without saying that the Bush Administration’s questionable domestic espionage would rank about a 4 or Code Orange on the Woodward-Bernstein Scale.
The Abramoff Scandal, however, is nothing more than a 2, since paying off politicians and subverting the democratic process is hardly news to me. If it’s news to you, you might want to put down the Hudson Current and pick up the Reporter – if there’s no scandal this week, just keep reading…
Another area in need of classification is egregious corporate misdeeds, which we could put on the Skilling-Lay Scale.
Jeffery Skilling and Kenneth Lay are at the forefront of the investigation in the Enron scandal (remember them?), where they allegedly lied about how much money they did or did not have and screwed over their individual investors big time (note: the dyslexics out their might pick up on the names’ proximities to Killing and Slay, perhaps alluding to how sinister these creeps really are).
I would say the announcement that ExxonMobil posted a record profit of $36.13 billion for 2005 – a year marred by war, unspeakable natural disaster and sky-rocketing gas and energy rates – should rank about a Code Red on the Skilling-Lay Scale.
And Wal-Mart might see that smiling yellow face turn orange if it doesn’t get its act together.
Of course we can’t just focus on the heavy stuff, so I’ve devised the Cruise-Kidman scale for urgent news about our world’s celebrities.
You may remember Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman were once married and dominating the pop gossip circuit with their every move. Of course that spectacle has since been trumped by the whole Katie Holmes absurdity, something I care even less about. So the trick with this scale is the higher the rating, the less people should actually give a flying frig.
For instance, anything “Brangelina” related should rank high on the Cruise-Kidman scale of irrelevance. For chrissake, people get knocked up all the time – all you have to do is look at the number of strollers in Hoboken to notice that.
Along the same lines, the sports world deserves its own ranking for tedious rubbish. I suggest the Owens-Rosenhaus scale, and right now anything involving Ron Artest would rank a Category 5.
Of course these scales are all in the preliminary stage of utilization. Until the rest of the media has gotten up to speed, it appears as though we’re on our own. For now it’s up to us to read between the lines, look through the smoke, past the mirrors and pay attention to what’s going on. We need to decide for ourselves what’s truly important, and what’s nothing more than F-5, Category 5, Code Red BS.
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.