Each year, the Reporter’s on-call psychic, Ima Fakir, looks into her crystal ball to predict the events of the next 12 months for Hudson County. For instance, we asked Ima this question: Will New Year’s Eve be cold, with a lot of drunk people on the PATH train? Ima responded that New Year’s Eve will indeed be cold, with a lot of drunk people on the PATH train. And no Smart Cards will be found anywhere.
Here is what Ima predicts will happen in our towns in the coming months.
January
Developers in Jersey City are so tired of the Planning Board asking them to build dog runs in their complexes, that they break ground on three new waterfront condo developments for dogs. “Hamilton Bark North,” “Puppy Mills,” “Long Fuzzy Arms” are expected to be completed in 2008. Each includes a parking lot and a fenced-in “people run.”
Rock star Madonna returns to the United States after announcing she is leaving husband Guy Ritchie to marry a New Jersey mayor. Everyone is shocked when she moves to Guttenberg to become Madonna Delle Donna.
February
Jersey City is named the “best place to attract annoying people from other places” and “best place to be named in irrelevant polls.”
Hoboken finishes its search for a superintendent of schools, which it held from 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. last Sunday night in the Wallace School teachers’ lounge.
March
The Port Authority introduces Dumb Cards, which are given to commuters who: a) Denigrate New Jersey because they want to justify paying $3,000 a month to live in a closet in New York City; b) Wear miniskits to Hoboken bars in 30-degree weather, and c) Complain about their town but don’t vote.
Construction screeches to a halt at the Secaucus Transit Village site when Jimmy Hoffa’s body is unearthed.
April
Hoboken Chief of Police Dr. Carmen LaBruno begins cracking down on Hoboken mothers who shake down young bar patrons by taking up the entire width of the sidewalk with several carriages at a time. The “Mile-Square Mommy Mafia” is also known to reach speeds of 15 miles per hour with their designer three-wheeled strollers, swoop down on the unsuspecting seniors, and demand that the victims lower the cash into the stroller, making it seem as though they are saying hello to the baby.
Secaucus, the most “suburban” of Hudson County’s municipalities, announces that it will finally secede from Hudson County and join Bergen County. In response, a shocked Bergen County declares itself to be an independent republic called Sprawlistan.
May
MTV announces a new reality show about North Bergen municipal employees. “Digger and Jay” follows the exploits of Recreation Department officials Digger O’Dell and Jay Sticco, who often get in each other’s hair, or lack thereof.
June
Alarmed by the chaos erupting at every Secaucus Town Council meeting, Board of Education member and frequent administration critic Tom Troyer stages a military-style coup attempt, saying that he is “really going to take back Secaucus.” However, the coup fails when the tanks get stuck in traffic on Route 3.
North Bergen resident and radio host Hal Turner announces that he realizes that prejudice is wrong. It is later learned that he came to this conclusion after researching his family roots and discovering that he is descended from famed slave Nat Turner.
July
A developer systematically moves the Galaxy Towers from tiny Guttenberg to Walla Walla, Wash., where it becomes known as “a Galaxy far, far away.”
Union City orchestra conductor Kennedy Ng finally adds an “E” to the beginning of his last name to pander to lazy people who can’t pronounce it.
August
Face it, nothing happens in August.
September
Kevin Federline headlines the Hoboken Fall Art and Music Fair. Cultural Affairs Director Geri Fallo explains that after hiring him, there is still enough money left over to buy each person in the homeless shelter two fried Oreos. Taverns do their greatest business ever until residents realize there is not enough beer in the mile-square city to make his music sound good.
At a ribbon cutting ceremony to christen Weehawken’s new waterfront recreational park, Mayor Richard Turner’s administration shocks no one by naming the facility the “Richard F. Turner Memorial Park.” Someone reminds the township’s main honcho that he’s not exactly dead enough to have a memorial park in his honor.
In an attempt to expand his control over the hearts and minds of kids everywhere, Hoboken-based children’s entertainer “Polka Dot” takes his show to Harlem’s Apollo Theatre, where he is joined by In Living Color’s “Homey the Clown” in a sing-a-long for the kids.
October
Tom Jennemann is named Best Reporter in the Universe. “No worries,” he reports.
In keeping with its long-standing tradition of honoring historical figures, Weehawken decides to put a bust of comedian Jerry Lewis on Park Avenue near the Water Tower. The bust yells, “Hey, Lady,” to every woman who passes by.
November
Just months after Union City developers uncover the foundation of the once thriving Hudson County Consumers Brewery Company during the demolition of the historic Roosevelt Stadium, further excavation reveals cache of beer that had been fermenting in the natural springs that once ran through North Hudson. Now available in select stores: Union City Brew.
December
MTV Tres’ music countdown MiTRL is permanently moved to West New York’s Memorial High School and taken over by Tiger TV. In addition to the regular music countdown and visits from some of today’s acclaimed Latino stars, the show will also feature the school’s concerts, and hidden camera segments about what really goes on in the teacher’s lounge.
Union City police are dispatched to the home of Eddie Kelly of American Bandstand fame. After it was discovered that the former teen star lived in the area, crazed fans from the show’s heyday stormed his apartment demanding answers to why he never responded to his fan mail in 50 years ago, and where was he hiding when he disappeared with his dance partner Bunny. Oh, the price of fame!
These are jokes. Relax, people.