Editor’s note: This is an advice column for men and women who want a real opinion. Due to the saturated singles scene in Hudson County, the Current has found a relationship guru who will help with all your dating dilemmas. Look for advice here every other week.
Dear Ms. Fix-it:
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. We have problems like other couples, but for the most part we get along. He’s kind and thoughtful and generally described as a nice guy by my friends. But I wonder if he’s perhaps he’s too nice. For example, he is good friends with his ex-girlfriend. That alone wouldn’t make me crazy, but he mentions her all the time. For example, we’ll be having dinner and he says, “you know X used to make a meat sauce that was to die for. Her mom’s Italian…” He doesn’t bring her up during intimate moments, but he will bring it up at times when I just don’t get the reference. And they chat several times a week. When she calls the apartment, she’s always friendly to me and chats a bit before asking for him. Yes, I’ve even met her and while I don’t think there is anything going on – they act more like lifelong friends than anything – it annoys me that he thinks of her so highly. Because I don’t ever hear him singing my praises to her. Am I crazy, or do I have something to worry about? – Worried
Dear Worried:
Let me guess, she ended the relationship, not him…right? He sounds to me like one of those guys who agreed to friendship only because it was all he could get. I think she’s harmless, but my gut says that he’s still pretty attached to the idea of her.
Well??? So what. Get over yourself. Everyone has a past, and there isn’t always a definite END to one relationship or a definite BEGINNING to the next. And often, people carry feelings for their ex for a long time. If you want to be the first love of someone’s life you’d better go find yourself a 16-year-old boy.
The worst thing you can do is start bucking against it. If you show jealousy, you not only look weak, but you strengthen the bond between them. Embrace the ex, make her your friend. Meanwhile, keep making your own memories with this kind, thoughtful, and nice guy.
And I sincerely hope you know I was kidding about finding a 16-year-old boy.
Dear Ms. Fix-it:
Is it possible to find a woman that doesn’t want to control men? I am dating this girl who seemed okay initially. We started off by going out for dinner once during the week and then eventually progressed to a night on weekends. We’ve been together for a little over six months, but I told her from the get-go that I do not want anything serious. She said fine; that she didn’t want that either. The problem is that I don’t believe her anymore. She’s gotten to be bitchy about 10 percent of the time and I can only imagine it will get worse. I told her again that I don’t want anything serious, and she nods and says okay but then gets mad at me when I won’t free up my entire weekend for her. I work over 90 hours a week in a very stressful environment. I also have good friendships with guys I’ve known since high school that I see on a regular basis. One of the things we do is watch football every Sunday, which she hates – the sport and the fact that I want to hang out with my friends. A couple of times she stuck around my apartment and made faces at the screen and was annoyed because I wouldn’t talk to her. She left before halftime – thank God! Anyway, I do like her most of the time. What I don’t like is this new behavior or her pressure for something more serious. I wouldn’t mind seeing where it goes, but I don’t want the pressure. What do you think – should I end it or see where it goes? – In No Hurry
Dear No Hurry:
Women lie about this all the time. Many claim they want nothing more than a fling, when in truth they hear the faint tinkle of wedding bells. I’ve never understood it.
Do you really need me to answer this for you? You already know what she’s doing. You can either allow it, or stick by your determination to keep things casual. She’s trying to manipulate you into a more serious
relationship, and she’s disturbing the flow of your life as you like it. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting something more committed (even though she lied), but you two are ill-suited – you want different things. So, it doesn’t matter at all if you get along well “sometimes,” or that you like “most things about her.” You are incompatible, period. You don’t seem like a guy who’s afraid to be alone, so why are you asking my permission? Dump the brat. NOBODY makes faces during football! Tackle her once more, and then kick her out.
Ms. Fix-it, a.k.a. Hilary Morris, is a writer, actress, and expert mixologist. She spends her time doling out advice to many of Hudson County’s singles when she’s slinging drinks. While she doesn’t consider herself an expert on relationships, she has survived plenty of heartbreak. Tell her your problem!
If you have any questions that you would like answered by Ms. Fix-it, please submit them to current@hudsonreporter.com. Please put in the subject line “Ms. Fix-it.” The Current reserves the right to edit any letters for content or clarity.