Editor’s note: This is an advice column for men and women who want a real opinion. Due to the saturated singles scene in Hudson County, the Current has found a relationship guru who will help with all your dating dilemmas. Look for advice here every other week.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
My boyfriend goes to school in California. We’ve been together since we graduated high school three years ago, but he went away to college and I’m going to Rutgers. We really love each other and we talk several times a week and e-mail. He comes home every holiday and birthday, which is getting really expensive for him. I’ve flown out there to visit him too, but when I see how happy he is there, I get the feeling that he’s going to want to stay there after he graduates. I guess I always assumed he would come home after college, but I’ve known him a long time and I think he might not want to come back. He’s got friends there and places he really likes to go and he even got his own apartment this semester because he was tired of the dorms. He always planned on coming back and looking for a job in New York, and I’ve asked him if that’s changed. He said he didn’t know. I’m really comfortable where I am. My whole life is here. My family and friends are all here. I never want to leave. Should I just break up with him and let him go his own way? I mean, what if he comes back, but he only does it because of me? Is letting him go the answer? But how can I say what’s in store for us. We’ve lasted this long, right? – Separated?
Dear Separated:
I am not a fan of long distance relationships. I think they’re pointless and cruel to both parties. Let’s be real here. If neither of you are willing to move, then what exactly are we talking about? There is no relationship. But here you are just assuming all of this anyway. Have you actually asked him what his post-graduation plans are? No, you’re trying to decide what to do, and you don’t have all the information. You say, “I think he might not want to come back.” What does that mean? Zero, until you find out if you’re right or not.
So, once you ask him, then you have a decision to make, but not before. If he’s even unsure whether or not he’ll come back, you break it off. If he does come back, you two can revisit things then. But don’t be a sucker; get on with your life! I promise he’s only one of many, many men. You’ll get over it.
Dear Ms. Fix-It:
Is there anything wrong with me paying when my boyfriend and I go out? Whenever we go somewhere, I usually pay. I like to pay, especially since we live together and he pays the rent and all the utilities. I figure I have to pay for something! But he has this old-fashioned mindset that he should be paying for everything. Some women might say that’s great, but I’m not one of them. Even my friends say I should enjoy it rather than complain, but I want to pay my fair share, and I’d rather we split everything down the middle, but he insists on taking care of the rent and major expenses by himself. He won’t let me help him with anything related to finances. The other thing is that I know I make more money than he does. Could he feel threatened because of that? Because I know he can’t afford to cover everything, and it makes no sense for him to spend so much on things we share when he won’t let me put in for my half. I’ve always been pretty independent, and I like paying my own way, so how do I make him understand that and accept it? – Going Dutch
Dear Going Dutch:
For a woman who considers herself independent, you’ve certainly lost your way. If you like to pay for yourself, and you make more money than your boyfriend, than how in the hell did you get here? No, I think you liked it for a while, but now it’s starting to worry you. You’ve changed the rules on him. That’s fine, but you need to let him in on it. As for the guy…hmm…I think he’s a weirdo, and a control freak, and very insecure. If you think he won’t progress to controlling other areas of your life, you’re kidding yourself. He is taking all of your power away, and that is a dangerous thing. You will learn to rely on him, and then you’ll become his puppet. There’s no other outcome to this setup if it continues unchecked. Make some major changes, and see how he handles it. Then you’ll have your answer.
Ms. Fix-it, a.k.a. Hilary Morris, is a writer, actress, and expert mixologist. She spends her time doling out advice to many of Hudson County’s singles when she’s slinging drinks. While she doesn’t consider herself an expert on relationships, she has survived plenty of heartbreak. Tell her your problem!
If you have any questions that you would like answered by Ms. Fix-it, please submit them to current@hudsonreporter.com. Please put in the subject line “Ms. Fix-it.” The Current reserves the right to edit any letters for content or clarity.