I was born in Plattsburgh, New York – not “Upstate” as most people down here know it, but “Upstate” as in the northernmost outpost in New York. If my father took a wrong turn driving my mom to the hospital, I would have been born in Quebec.
Eventually we made the big move south…to Syracuse. For those of you unfamiliar with this locale, just watch the Weather Channel. Jim Cantore, that guy they send out into biblical, freakishly horrendous weather, has a hotel room on reserve at the Sheraton.
To get away from it all I decided to go to college at Norwich University – a military college in the middle of Vermont which, come February, looks very much like the Rebel base on Planet Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. In fact, I once had to slice open my “Tauntaun” and spend the night nestled within its warm innards on my way home from a keg party.
So believe me when I tell you, it’s not THAT cold out…
But admittedly it is a wee bit chilly, and will continue to be so for the next couple of months because, well, it’s winter. And since you probably can’t hibernate (unless you just got laid off), here are a few tips to help you through the nippiness:
Clothing
Let “Fashion” take a backseat to “Practicality.” Hell, my prom date wore moon boots, so leave the open-toe stilettos in the closet and wear something that can help you slog through a 6-foot wide slush puddle. A) You’ll definitely ruin the shoes; and, B) you’ll probably slip, fall and ruin the rest of your ill-advised ensemble.
Pants are probably the right way to go, so fellas – leave the kilts in the closet. Keeping the upper body warm is essential as it’s the part with most of your working bits. Layers are the key. In high school, we considered getting her two outer sweaters off to be “Second base,” and if you got down to the thermal skivvies, you were the coolest kid in the locker room.
Scarves are good to muffle the body heat within your layers and hats are KEY because mom is right – most of the heat does escape from the top of the head. You don’t necessarily need a nutria pelt strapped to your head as if you were going sledding in Gorky Park, but you do need something. Even a baseball cap will bottle the heat, but break out the knit cap for the ears when it’s real bad.
Oh, and gloves. I hate ‘em too, but sometimes they’re handy (awful pun intended…).
Getting Around
The I.Q. of drivers in the New York Metro area drops 20 points for every quarter-inch of snow that accumulates on the ground. Don’t drive. If you have to, drive slowly and give the frantic moron in front of you plenty of space to err.
Should you get on the open road and find yourself skidding, pump the brake and turn into it ever so gingerly. Sudden jerks of any kind to a moving vehicle are responsible for said vehicle flipping upside down and slamming into the guardrail.
When it comes to walking, take nothing for granted. Ice reacts differently to various surfaces, and your feet can easily come out from under you. Use your arms for balance and walk almost on the inside of you feet. After a few icy days, you’ll notice the muscles of your inner thigh will ache, but it beats being in traction with a broken back.
Self-Medication
Hot Irish Whiskey WILL kill anything in your system. Period.
1 ounce of Jameson
1 teaspoon of sugar/honey
1 lemon slice
2 ounces of boiling water
4 cloves
Mix. Drink. Repeat if necessary.
Soup is your friend in the winter. Chowder is your best man. And the reason they’re called the Syracuse “Orange” is because we all worship Vitamin C up there.
There you have it, an insider’s guide to a functional existence in inhospitable climates. Have a lovely winter. Only a few more weeks until Groundhog’s Day…
Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.