Dear Dr. Norquist:
I wanted to write for a long time, almost more than ten years. It was always very hard to put my feelings into words for someone to read. I am going to try. I was married over 30 years ago, from day one that we went on our honeymoon, and it was the worst I think any new bride could have, I decided as soon as I could take care of myself I would leave. At first it was a physical and then verbally abusive marriage. I have been working with good pay, paying almost all the bills myself for the past 28 years. I also have a wonderful 19 year old daughter that would support me in whatever I decide to do. I do not know how to end this. I always think he loves me too much and I will hurt him, I don’t know. I am confused. I am 52 years old and I think I am going to live my life without ever being in love. The hardest thing is I cannot stand him touching me, it is like being electrocuted and I react. Please help me, I am very depressed and hate my life.
Dr. Norquist responds:
What is it that you need to leave this marriage? Fortunately, you are able to provide yourself with the financial support you need, and your daughter is grown (and supportive of you). What would it feel like to have your own place and to be in charge of own life? Practice seeing this in your mind’s eye. What will your place look like? How will it feel to live your life being in charge of your own time and activities? Pay attention to any fears or resistances that arise as you see yourself in your own place, in charge of your own life. See if you can notice the fear without jumping into it and letting it take over. The fear is there, but there is also a part of you that can just observe the fear. Jot down the fears and resistances that arise so that you can view them later from a larger perspective. From this larger, more objective perspective you will find your fears are not as daunting and do not have as much power over you. This exercise will help you to find new ways of addressing the fears, beliefs and needs that have been in charge of your life for so long.
“Co-dependency” is a certain way of being in the world. It involves putting other’s feelings and needs over your own (even at your own expense), and living your life through others. Your concern that you will hurt your husband when you leave, after your many years of staying in an abusive marriage suggests that learning about co-dependency can be very empowering for you. Several resources for you here are CODA groups (check online for groups in your area www.codependents.org) and books by Melody Beattie or Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.
I believe that you can take care of yourself. The fact that you are writing to me now (after 10 years) suggests that you are ready to make the necessary changes in your life to do so. 52 is a great time to start a new life for yourself. You have the wisdom of 52 years of living, you have your health, and your child-rearing responsibilities are behind you. You will be able to experience being in love after you learn to honor and love yourself. Your life is yours to create. Don’t give it away for fear of hurting the man who abuses you, or for fear of owning your own power. It’s time to take responsibility for the life you have been given. I know that you have the strength to do it!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services