Dear Dr. Norquist:
I find myself writing to you as a last resort. The problem concerns someone close to me. Let’s call that person, “Person”. “Person’s” personal hygiene is seriously lacking. Brushing teeth is the exception and not the rule. Washing hands after using the bathroom again is the exception and not the rule. I have tried all kinds of subtle hints as not to embarrass “Person” or hurt “Person’s” feelings, but the hints are not working. I am at a loss, not to mention disgusted and frustrated. It’s a turn off for me. “Person” is a wonderful human being, but this lack of hygiene troubles me, not to mention that, aside from being gross, not brushing one’s teeth or washing hands after using the bathroom is not healthy or sanitary. I hope you can help me. Thank you.
Dr. Norquist responds:
I think most everyone would agree that having to say something that is potentially hurtful to someone dear to you is among the most difficult interpersonal situations to be in. We have an innate aversion to hurting the people we love. However, not communicating has its own negative effects on relationships.
Assuming that you are in a close relationship with this person, what are the risks here? S/he could feel hurt and embarrassed, s/he could end the relationship, and/or the two of you could feel uncomfortable around each other for awhile. What happens if you don’t speak up? You could pull away or limit your closeness out of disgust and frustration, s/he could continue to be hindered in relationships and not know why, and/or things could stay as they are. You are already not happy with things the way they are. There is no winning from not taking the risk.
There are always potentially hurtful conversations that need to occur for relationships to function well – whether the relationships are intimate, work-related or friendships. It is never easy, but with practice you can face these fears and learn how to deal with these situations in life.
Knowing “Person” as you do, try to put yourself in his/her shoes, and ask: “What would be the easiest way for ‘Person’ to receive this information?” What would most help “Person” know that you are coming from a place of caring and respect? You may want to write out a script that you can then fine tune – just to be clear on how you’d like to present it. When the time is right, remember first to tune in to your own heart. Words spoken from the heart are heard by the heart.
I hope this is helpful. Feel free to let me know how it goes.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services