First Man-You. May I see your papers please?
Second Man-May I see your identification?
FM-This is my badge. Street Watchers United. SWU.
SM-I’ve never heard of your organization. You are not police.
FM-In these dangerous times we are all police. Papers, please.
SM-I am a citizen. Why am I being harassed?
FM-This is not harassment. This is spot checking.
SM-Profiling. Because I wear a leather bomber jacket.
FM-And a red sombrero. That combination is very suspicious.
SM-If I wished to be incognito, would I wear such an outfit?
FM-I don’t know what you do or do not wish to convey. I am just doing my job. Papers, please.
SM-How many have you stopped today?
FM-That is none of your business. You are trying to deflect my attention.
SM-Why would I do that?
FM-So your cohorts can sneak into the country and violate our laws.
SM-Let us discuss your outfit. You are head to toe in flannel.
FM-Flannel is American fabric. John Wayne wore flannel.
SM-Just a second. You left out an article. You said “flannel is American fabric.” You left out the “an”.
FM-Did not.
SM-I know what I heard. Forget the stupid badge. I want to see YOUR papers.
FM-You are becoming a pimple on my butt ready to burst.
SM-Where did you learn American slang? Your coloring suggests a country below Guatemala. Strip naked right now.
FM-You strip naked. I have the badge.
SM-I’m wearing flannel.
FM-We are at an impasse. Suppose we compromise. I will show you one paper and you show me one paper.
SM-If you have only one paper you are illegal.
FM-I didn’t say I had only one paper. Why should I show you all my papers at once when I am the one with the badge?
SM-If you mention that badge once more I will make a citizen’s arrest.
FM-Not before I arrest you.
SM-We could just walk away from this.
FM-A sure sign of your guilt.
SM-Damn you. Here, take my paper. Examine it.
FM-This paper is crumpled.
SM-At least I have a paper.
FM-And this is proof I have papers. Examine mine.
SM-This paper is ripped.
FM-I have more papers where that came from.
SM-And I have articles—a, an, the, within…
FM-Within is not an article! Put your hands behind your back. You are under arrest for illegal immigration.
(Woman arrives.)
Woman-I want to see both your papers.
FM-Who are you?
Woman-Someone who notices two men loitering on our American street. Papers, please.
SM-We do not recognize your authority.
Woman-I will blow this whistle and other loyal Americans will burst out from everywhere and beat you senseless.
FM-I have a badge.
Woman-Everyone has a badge these days. Strip naked now, both of you.
SM-I’m late for dinner.
Woman-You should have thought of that before behaving suspiciously.
FM-We are on the same side.
Woman-You keep scratching your genitals.
FM-I’m wearing flannel. It’s American to rub genitals in public.
SM-Did you hear that? He left out a possessive pronoun, ‘my’, as in ‘my genitals’. I’m guessing Bolivian, with an entire family of illegals waiting for him in some basement.
Woman-If you don’t provide identification immediately, I will taser both of you.
FM-That is un-American. I want to see your papers, young lady.
Woman-My papers are home, safe and locked up.
SM-How do we know you’re truly an American?
Woman-Are you blind? I am carrying a Wal-Mart shopping bag. – Joe Del Priore