Editor’s note: Hoboken-based comedienne Eileen Budd again gives us a very special rundown on what happened in the latest episode of the local favorite reality show, “Real Housewives of New Jersey.” Comment below!
How much would would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had a chuck…
The best episode so far this season has Teresa giving birth to bambino number four.
We know it’s close to delivery time because T. announces, “I had the runs” – a sure sign that either the baby’s coming or she had some bad calamari for breakfast. She goes to wake up her zeppole husband, Joe, telling him it’s time. “Where do you want to go?” he asks groggily. Uh, to get some lemon ice, you stoonad. Despite Teresa’s yelling “It’s hurting down there,” Joe takes his sweet time getting up and sipping his coffee. While T. keeps prodding him, she makes herself useful by making her daughter French toast, and reading her emails because there might be some inspirational message that says, “This prayer is beautiful…now send it on to 10 people in the next 10 minutes or you will die.”
I also notice that before they leave, someone has managed to make the bed. My dear, departed, Italian mother would have loved that they didn’t leave the house a mess even while a baby was sliding down the zeppole chute.
While waiting at the hospital, T. puts on her lip gloss as she declares she’s done with having kids. Joe says he wants three more. “If they’re coming out of you,” she responds. She knows that may be possible because she saw a man on TV who gave birth. I think she may be thinking of that Oregon transgender male who still had a uterus, or perhaps she was referring to Sandra Bernhard. It’s easy to get confused.
Trying to get ready for delivery, Teresa divulged that she tried to shave her “chucky” – or at least as much as she could see. I don’t know what’s a scarier image – T. shaving her chucky with a razor or the killer doll Chucky wielding an ax. “What are you gonna get me for the baby?” T. demands of Joe, expecting some nice jewelry. He does considerately offer her some ice cream as she’s getting her epidural. “I don’t want ice cream,” T. snaps. “I’ll buy you a big diamond,” Joe concedes. “Yay,” T. grunts, then asks how her makeup is.
Back to T. in a minute…
Then, there’s Danielle
Danielle takes her daughters out to dinner and asks how their day was. “Exquisite,” 12-year-old Jillian responds, demonstrating a bigger vocabulary than her mother’s. Aspiring model, 16-year-old Christine, shrugs off her modeling faux pas the previous week when she was about to puke on the runway. “It’s not that I’m not pretty enough – the industry wasn’t ready for me.” Yeah, Christine, I think Jesus Christ might have felt the same way during his time too.
Jackie’s daughter
Ashley, Jacqueline’s daughter, visits her mom to aggravate her more. When her mom is concerned that she’s not doing anything with her life, Ashley assures her that she is – she’s looking into the idea of waitressing. Really? Is that something that really requires much research? I think you just need to find a place that serves food that will also trust that you’ll wash your hands after you use the bathroom (at least while you’re on the job.) When Jacqueline suggests that Ashley sees a life coach, the overgrown snotnose smirks sarcastically, insisting that she already has a plan for her life. She’s going to community college then maybe another community college before transferring to regular college and then she’s going to take up either fashion merchandising, music technology, or zoology before going on to win the Pulitzer and Nobel prizes simultaneously.
’I have to poop’!
Back to T. in the delivery room yelling, “I’m dying. I feel like I have to poop.” Joe counters with, “I hope I don’t throw up that hamburger.” Ah, the circle of life – eat, poop, give birth. It’s just like a Disney musical.
When T. finally squeezes out a little girl after a push and a half, she asks Joe, “What are we naming her?” Joe, ever the involved father, responds, “I don’t care.” In all fairness, he’s got other things to worry about, like whether the hospital cafeteria sells sausage and pepper sandwiches for lunch.
That’s a better idea
Jacqueline talks to her husband about getting a life coach for Ashley but he shrugs it off. “Life coach?” he laughs. “When I was growing up, you got a beating.” Dina, of like mind, offers the “wooden spoon” as a guidance tool. I actually get this philosophy. In childhood, I was the recipient of both the “wooden spoon” and “the strap” and it certainly taught me how not to be a wiseass. We also see Jacqueline finally getting a look into her husband’s vault, where we see an arsenal of guns to rival a Scarface house party. I don’t know what this guy does for a living, but I’m pretty sure he’s a Republican.
Great idea: Internship at a strip club
Caroline’s son, Chris, eager to start a combination stripper/car wash, decides to do internships at both a gentleman’s club and car wash to understand the businesses. His mother is not crazy about the former because of the “skankalicious girls.” But Chris forges on and realizes after a day’s internship at Scores that there’s more to it than just the girls on stage. Sure, you need attractive girls – but you also need a DJ, a bartender, and a very efficient janitor with a good mop.
While doing a stint at a family friend’s carwash, he brings in scantily clad girls to drum up business. They stand outside seducing middle-aged men in minivans with, “Get your car washed. You know you want to.” Business, of course, booms because these fools delude themselves into thinking there might be such a thing as “full-service.” Caroline has resigned herself to her son’s idea. “Strippers and car wash. I have yet to find a man on the planet that thinks it’s a bad idea.” And I have yet to find a man that didn’t think a remote control that dispensed cold Corona wasn’t a good idea either. Guess we run in the same circles.
Danielle’s drama
We do need to spend a few minutes on Danielle and her drama. She’s invited to The Brownstone for a fundraiser for a sick baby so, of course, she has to go. She visits two of her ex-felon friends to ask for escorted protection. One of them, who has a good head on his tattooed shoulders, has some solid advice to dealing with the backbiting. “Everybody should shut the f_ _ k up.” How can you not agree when he flashes those pearly whites that were probably the hard work of some very talented (and very scared) student in the prison’s dental services?
Dina is still mulling over the advice of her Zenergist to get closure with Danielle.
Caroline asks if it’s the same woman who makes jewelry that works on Dina’s energy. You can tell that Caroline has no patience for anyone that’s a cross between Martha Stewart and The Dog Whisperer. She asks Dina what she’s planning on saying to Danielle. “All’s great – stay away from me.” And you think that’s gonna go well? I don’t know, but that’s a great line to use if you ever need to break up with someone.
Role model
The episode ends on a happy note, though. Dina visits Teresa (looking fabulous in her leopard print pajamas) in the hospital and notes how fantastic T. looks. “She doesn’t look like she just pushed out a watermelon from her chuckerelle.” Dina, don’t use that word! She pushed out a zeppole, not a watermelon. T. asks Dina to be the watermelon/zeppole’s godmother because Italians pick someone they want their child to be like and T. wants the kid to be like Dina. Dina, touched by the honor, holds the little dough ball and lovingly tells her, “You’re gonna be crazy like Aunt Dina.” Let’s hope she doesn’t turn out crazy enough to have one of those spooky cats like that hairless alien, Grandma Wrinkles.
Next week, be prepared for the housewives’ version of “Scared Straight” when the ex-cons go to The Brownstone with Danielle. Let’s get ready to rumble…. — Eileen Budd
Check out the last few recaps HERE!!
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