The Secret Sauce
Oh, how did we ever make it through the winter without the endearing smiles of those Jersey Girls to keep us warm? They’re back and they’re –dare I say? – somewhat subdued. Jacqueline, preoccupied with her new baby, is almost mute. Dina must have been meditating on her hairless pussycat because she’s downright Zen. Caroline seems to have gone to Linda’s Bras for a fitting because she’s focused on pushing those ta-tas up and out. Teresa is nesting, about ready to deliver a Fab Fourth. And Danielle is having a soulful exchange with an unintelligible priest. (What the hell country was he from? He was a cross between a voodoo shaman, Dr. Phil, and a Guatemalan gardener. )
I was relieved to learn that Danielle goes to church every Sunday because I was beginning to think she was immoral or something. Whew – glad that was straightened out. I was also happy to see that she bonded with a new friend, Kim, the owner of a local clothing store where they can proudly sport their matching “We’re Sicilian bitches” T-shirts. Unfortunately, at Caroline’s fundraiser, Kim disavows her friendship with Danielle much like Judas betrayed Christ and Michael Corleone betrayed his Sicilian brethren, Alfredo. Danielle has obviously learned a valuable lesson of late though because in a struggle to pay bills, she has been cutting back, spending money on only the essentials like a pedicure. Sadly, Danielle wasn’t invited to Caroline’s fundraiser to buy a sheriff because that really would be money well spent in the long run.
Teresa is in full family mode as she makes 180 jars of sauce with her greenhorn Italian family. They ask if anyone has their period because, God forbid, that could ruin the tomatoes according to some voodoo folklore that Danielle’s priest probably knows about. Teresa tries to instill strong values into her young girls by telling them they could make sauce for their husbands when they grow up. Then she dispenses some proactive advice to marry a Jewish guy because “they cater to their wives.” Well, then why the hell do the girls need to know how to make sauce? Let the Jewish husband make it! The family speculates on whether Teresa will have a baby boy or girl. Dina is betting that if it is a boy, Teresa will put feathers on it so it’ll come out “just like one of the Village People.” But I already know in my heart what it will be – a little zeppole, just like its father.
As far as the guys go, Albert has lost weight and, as he tries on a suit in Barney’s dressing room, Caroline is so turned on that she’s about ready to pin him to the wall with her increasingly more pronounced ta-tas. Meanwhile, Jacqueline’s husband, Chris, sharpens knives creepily as he stares down his step-daughter Ashley’s older boyfriend. Chris has already denounced Danielle in this episode so he seems to be on a menacing Freddy Kruger kinda roll, which is just want you want to see in a father of a newborn. Caroline’s sons, Albie and Christopher, are charged with cleaning up dog poop in the backyard before the “put a sheriff in your pocket” fundraiser. They enlist the help of Albie’s best friend Vito who mistakes mulch for a dog turd. I wish Vito would work for Hoboken’s sanitation department because we sure could use someone to take all the “mulch” off of our sidewalks.
My favorite part of the show was when Teresa’s daughter, Melania, is getting ready for her first day of school. The 3-year-old goes in the pantry and stuffs about a month’s worth of snacks into her back pack just in case she gets lost on the way out the door of that big house of theirs. Even at that age, a good Italian knows that when it comes to food, you can never be overprepared.
Let’s hope the women pick up the pace in the next episode and give us more action. As Grandma Wrinkles, Dina’s hairless cat, might say, “Let the fur fly.”
Eileen Budd is a Hoboken-based comedienne. Comment on this essay by e-mailing editorial@hudsonreporter.com.