Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am at my wit’s end. I don’t know how to resolve this problem I am having with my husband and my son. In the past, my son would visit us or phone. His wife has always been unfriendly to my husband and me. My son once told me that if he had to choose between his wife and his parents, he would choose his wife. We never asked him to choose. At the present time my husband and son are not seeing each other or talking. I am in the middle. I want a relationship with my son – and his wife – but both my son and husband are inflexible and refuse to make amends. I cannot bring them together. My son insists his father abused him. My husband sent his son to college when we had little money; helped him to buy his home when our son got married; gave several thousand dollars when our son was laid off from his job. As a child, our son was never spanked by his father. I should like to visit my son, but my husband will not accompany me. When I tell him I intend to go without him to see our son, he becomes enraged. He says I am disloyal. All this has caused a rift in my marriage. What can I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
I realize what a bind this puts you in. You do not want to cause a riff between you and your husband, yet you cannot bear the grief of shutting your son out of your life. I can understand how your husband feels you would be disloyal to him if you visited your son. However, it appears that because of his anger, he is trying to control your relationship with your son. This should be your choice, not his. He cannot expect you to participate in a battle that is not yours. Your relationship with your son is up to you, not your husband. You must make the choice that feels right to you here. There will be consequences either way. One choice leads you to cut off a connection that is vital to your heart, and to your life. This is a move that does not feel right to you and that will likely lead to much resentment and anger at your husband. The second choice has the consequence of your husband’s anger and a sense of disconnection from your husband. There will be strife between you and your husband either way. But what is the cost to you, if you disregard your own needs and feelings in order to preserve a connection with your husband?
Perhaps its time for you to stand by what you feel is right for you. Do not let your fear of external forces or demands be the guide of your life. Make your decisions based on your own internal sense of what is right for you. This could help you and your husband to start correcting power imbalances that may exist in your relationship.
Dear Dr. Norquist:
All my life I’ve not liked the way I look or who I am as a person. I try to hide this but inside I’m always feeling not as good as others. I see myself as too fat, too selfish, not smart enough, and certainly not interesting enough. I’ve tried, but I can’t seem to change these feelings. Now I have a daughter who is becoming a teenager, and I see her struggling with the same feelings about herself. Seeing this really bothers me, because I see it as my fault. What can I do to help her (and me)?
Dr. Norquist responds:
Try the practice of choosing to take yourself and life more lightly. Try to be gentle and light in your attitude toward yourself and life. We don’t have to make such a big deal about ourselves, or the whole show of life. Doing this will ease the burden you are carrying. It’s human nature to take our lives and ourselves too seriously. As a consequence, we do not see or experience the richness of the world. It’s like we’re walking down the highway of life without looking around us to see, listen to, and experience what is all around us. We get caught up in our inner reverie about our “inadequacies,” or our resentment about others’ “inadequacies,” and the richness and enjoyment of life, there for the experiencing, eludes us. When you find yourself in this state (as we all do, much of the time), try to apply the attitude of taking yourself lightly, and treating yourself gently. If you model this for your daughter, she may also be able to learn from you this way of uplifting oneself.