Spa-Cation
Today, my good friend, Denise, was telling me about this woman she knows. “She’s mushad, oy vey.” Kudos to Denise for fitting an Italian slang word AND a Jewish expression into one short sentence. For you non-Italian-Americans, mushad (moo-shad) means mushy, or can be used to describe someone foggy or boring. Well, Denise, you could describe this episode of RHONJ the same way. In summary: Teresa, Jacqueline, Melissa, Dolores, and Siggy go away for a girls’ weekend at Crystal Springs Resort in New Jersey and spew platitudes for two days.
We are treated to such words of wisdom as, “When you make a plan, God laughs at you,” which, unfortunately, has to be explained to Teresa. Later on, Teresa, after drinking a frozen strawberry Margarita at the pool, says, “I think I have brain freeze.” Truer words were never spoken.
We thought we were going to be in for a Teresa and Jacqueline throw down. After all, when we last saw Tre at Jacq’s house, she left in a huff because Jacq started talking smack about Tre’s criminal activities. When Jacq arrived at the resort though, she extended her hand to Teresa who thought she should have at least attempted to hug her. Tre decides to shake her hand back, but we nervously wonder if the volcano is about to erupt. After Jacq decides to take the bedroom in the basement of their suite, Tre says, “Maybe I’ll throw her down the stairs.” We’re not sure if she’s serious or not. After all, this is being said by a woman who once threw over a table in restaurant, plates and all.
Alas, the drama never materializes. Jacq and Tre readily start talking to each other at dinner the first evening. They reminisce about a former trip they took together when they went to “Sexy Night” at a bar. Thank goodness we were spared any further discussion about that excursion. We already got grossed out earlier by Teresa sexting her manatee-resembling hubby with a command to suck her teats. (Since manatees are mammals, I suppose that wasn’t an unreasonable request, but, we could have done without any visuals it might have conjured up.)
Anyway, the girls bond over conversations about their ups and downs, financial and otherwise. After baring their souls over s’mores around an outdoor fire pit, they conclude that the one thing they all have in common is that they are family oriented. Listen, I don’t want to make light of their deeply personal revelations, but I was struck by one of the most idiosyncratic things I’ve ever seen – Italians eating s’mores over a fire pit. I don’t think I even knew what a s’more was until I was middle-aged and took a week-long theater class in a barn in the Catskills. Our instructor thought we should conclude our stay with a campfire, but I didn’t get the connection between a Hershey bar, graham cracker, marshmallow, and a stick. What can I say? Marshmallows are not usually a part of an Italian’s culinary repertoire.
Later, back inside, the girls get into their pajamas and play beer pong. Melissa gets a little sloppy drunk. She crawls into bed with Tre, telling her sister-in-law, “I can’t sleep without your brother.” Maybe she missed his poison. But, Teresa probably has had her fill with girls making excuses for why they had to get in bed with her when she was away at “camp.”
The next day, the girls get spa treatments. Teresa gets coated with a green lotion and exclaims, “I feel like we’re a horse and they’re brushing us.” Well, good analogy to a horse, Teresa, because, sometimes, there are also probably times when you’re rode hard and put away wet.
Teresa and Jacqueline repair their rift although Jacq thinks the girls were talking about her behind her back. Jacq apologizes to Tre off-screen for what she said to her about her criminal activities. And, Teresa tells Jacq she will always be there for her, especially when Jacq starts crying about her autistic son’s challenges. Melissa states that she is jealous that Tre and Jacq made up so easily, because it took her a long time to get to a better place with Tre when they had their differences. Without a trace of insight into the irony of her double-meaning response, Teresa wraps it up by declaring, “I’m very simple.”
The girls spend their last evening together cooking a meal of steaks and eggplant parmigiana served family style. I could identify with this as my girlfriends and I also do something similar when we have a girls’ weekend. Instead of steaks and eggplant though, we prepare a batch of Belvedere martinis and break open a family size bag of M & M’s.
Before they go the next day, Teresa leads the girls in a yoga session. She tells them that yoga stimulates your body to go to the bathroom, and, sometimes, during certain poses, you can queeve. Siggy, who is unfamiliar with this term, learns it mean to fart through the vagina. Who says this show isn’t educational?
Throughout the girls’ stay, we get glimpses of the boys they left behind back home. Joe Gorga doesn’t have a clue how to take care of his kids as he burns chicken nuggets and popcorn. Joe Guidice and Chris Laurita continue their bromance. Joe even goes into the city to have a meal with Rino (a former cast mate’s husband) at his restaurant in Little Italy. Aside from Joe Giudice telling us that his preparation for going away consists of getting another German Shepard to protect his family, he offers us this inspirational gem regarding his jail time, “I gotta do what I gotta do.” Didn’t Mahatma Gandhi say that too?
The best scene of the night? No, it wasn’t when the girls were throwing around chocolate and Teresa got it on the seat of her pants and on the sofa. The housewives and prepubescent boys might have found it hysterical, but it was not. The best scene of the night was when the girls were getting in the car for their trip and Melissa brought four suitcases for the two-night stay. Perhaps she was hauling the contents of a pop up version of her boutique, Envy, to open at the resort. I don’t want to say Melissa is high maintenance – let’s just say she makes Mariah Carey look like a nun with the Sisters of Mercy.
Next episode: Teresa tells daughter Gia that her father will be leaving soon. Gia responds, “He needs to go.” Tune in to find out if she’s talking about jail or the result of him doing yoga.
Eileen Budd is a comedienne and writer who is currently working on an anthology of true stories of mid-life daters. If you have a dating story that happened to you (funny, inspiring, or downright weird), please send it to: datingover40tales@gmail.com.
To read more about what’s going on in Hudson County, NJ, read the Hudson Reporter newspapers: hudsonreporter.com.