Dear Dr. Norquist:
I read your column regularly in the Weehawken reporter. I trust your judgment.
Here is the problem: I am the grandmother of a 30 year old woman. Since she was a child, I took care of her more than her mother (my daughter) and I treated her like a princess. I admit that her home life was unstable. My daughter married three times and there were lovers in between marriages.
At 17, my granddaughter started to see men and was coming home at 3 a.m. She could hardly wait to turn 18 to get out of the house and live with one boyfriend or another. Whenever she could not pay rent with her boyfriend, she came back home for a couple months.
From 18 to 29 she has been in many, many jobs. She finds jobs easily, but she can not keep them. Last year, she was laid off from a job. When her unemployment was over she asked her mother to help pay her rent (she always has a man sleeping in her apartment. If it is not this one, it’s another one). My daughter paid her rent for several months. I told my daughter she was wrong to pay her rent while a man was sleeping there. The girl should have returned home until she finds a new job, as she used to do before. My daughter was an enabler.
When my granddaughter was 13, one night I saw her watching TV in the living room with her stepfather – an R rated movie. That night I was upset. I told him this was not appropriate to watch a movie like that with a 13-year-old. My daughter defied me and told me there was nothing wrong with that.
Another night, I showed up and saw him side by side with my 13-year-old granddaughter in her bed watching what kind of movie. I did not say a word (my daughter worked at night). Was I right or wrong to be concerned? Was it acceptable? That stepfather came and awakened my grandson who started to sleep already. He took him to the living room to watch TV (basketball) with his beer in his hand. The private school that my grandson attended put him out because he was sleeping on his desk or missed too many days. Today, he is a high school dropout (got a GED) and addicted to drugs just like his stepfather. Was it appropriate or acceptable to make that boy watch TV until the wee hours when he had school the next day? My daughter said she had given him permission.
Please give your answer. Thanks.
Dr. Norquist responds:
Thank you for your letter. I’m not clear though about your questions. It sounds like you disagree with how your daughter raised her children and you want to know if your opinion is correct. The question I have for you is: Of what use is this information now? Your grandchildren are grown. Your daughter is their parent and she was the one in charge of raising them. It must have been very difficult, and even painful, for you to see certain aspects of your grandchildren’s upbringing. However, I can’t see how telling your daughter that a professional agreed with you that she was wrong in how she raised her children would have any positive outcome now. Regrets and blame will not help either you or your daughter.
In the end, it is the nature of our close relationships that has the greatest effect on our quality of life and the sense of fulfillment and meaning we experience at life’s end. It has a direct effect, either positive or negative on our health on all levels. You can best help yourself, your daughter and your grandchildren by focusing on the quality of your relationship with each of them. Love is the healer here. The more you can access your inner experience of love, the greater the benefit for you and those around you. This is a universal truth. It is the best advise I can give you.
Life can be painful. Things do not always work out the way we hoped. The question is: What can you do in the present that allows for healing? The answer is to grow your ability to love.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services