Dear Editor:
As most of us know, squirrels have caused me never to taste a pear that grows on my backyard tree, squirrels vandalize my garden with impunity, digging holes, pulling green tomatoes off the vine, taking a bite, and leaving it on the ground to rot. This I have put up with for years, but this morning was the last straw. Tennis bag in hand, I opened my gate when something fell on my head and knocked my hat off. What the hell? I thought maybe the outside light had gotten loose, but when I looked down, a squirrel was running down my hallway toward the kitchen! Frack! I drop my bag and give chase. The varmint runs into my closet. I grab a broom and poke around behind my shoes where I saw him go. I yank the shoe-rack out. Shoes spill across the kitchen floor. I routed him, so he made a dash under the stovetop and got behind a pot I had there, so I’m trying to poke him out and herd him toward the door, but he runs into the front room and behind my reading chair and some books, so I pull my chair out into the middle of the room, gathering the rug under it as I pull, he runs behind my desk, I’m still after him with the broom, then I remember the front screen door is closed, so I run and prop it open then back to the god dam pest. Anyway, after ten or so minutes I get it out the door. I’m out of breath, my house is a wreck, my heart is beating such that if it were weaker I wouldn’t be here now, and any god dam fool who feeds these things should be shot!
T. Weed