Dear Dr. Norquist:
I enjoy reading your column very much. As a matter of fact, I have made a clipping booklet out of many of your columns. I look through them at times when I know I need some uplifting and enlightening. So, thank you so much for being such an invaluable resource. I read your column of April 6, 2011 and, of course, the one on the 31st of March. I could relate so much to both situations. And I quote as you mentioned: “There is a lesson here for you. You chose to become involved with this woman despite the warnings you received from others. Why did you choose to overlook the warnings?”
In my situation the “person” who has been bad mouthing me, creating stories behind my back, is my husband: The man who I chose to marry, and chose to create a family with. I did overlook the signs and overlook the warning, a lot of it – for two reasons:
1. I loved the man.
2. I had faith in him that he will mature.
Anyhow, after being married to him for six years and raising my boys so far, 5 and 4 now, and being deeply hurt emotionally, psychologically, I came to learn that I have to save me first. I came to understand I cannot help him mature. I cannot help him see his mistakes, no matter how much I write, clarify, confront… it is not going to get me anywhere, it only prolongs the process of emotional and psychological pain. So, I started journaling and began meditating. The most difficult part of this situation for me was accepting the fact that, “I chose to be in this situation…I chose this.” And, the most rewarding part was the awareness that, “I can choose differently from this point on.” I don’t have to repeat the choices that have caused me the emotional and psychological pains. I have chosen to focus on raising my boys and surrounding myself with good company at this point.
There are times that I cannot help to think about what is going to happen to my marriage? To “us”? Now, my husband and I still live together. We are still loving parents to our children. However, I do not feel emotionally safe with him; I do not trust him emotionally. I don’t share my feelings with him anymore. I don’t feel connected with him. My conversations with him varies from kids to politics to many other topics… but “us.” I don’t know what to do about that.
And, there are times that I fear for my two boys. Are they going to betray the trust of their loving spouse one day? Or are they going to realize at some point that mommy doesn’t feel connected with daddy anymore, and they will choose to do the same in their relationships?
Thanks for reading my e-mail, and please keep your column going. It is an inspirational resource to many. Thank you and God bless.
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are on a spiritual journey. In this regard, it is clear that you are using these life difficulties to augment this journey. Please do not berate yourself for a choice you made in the past. You made that choice based on who you were and what you understood at the time. How could it be any differently? Ideally we grow and develop (spiritually and emotionally) through the process of living life – with the difficulties, joys and sorrows we experience along the way. What is clear to you now was not clear to you then. It is no small feat to master the lesson of needing to save yourself first. We all have blind spots and misunderstandings that life will help us to heal – if we are willing to open our eyes and do the work. Otherwise suffering just begets more suffering. I believe we are spiritual beings having a human life. From this perspective, you are clearly making good use of your life.
Without safety there can be no real intimacy. Unless your husband can provide emotional safety in your relationship with him, the connection between the two of you will suffer. You cannot fix this on your own. Continue to listen to what is right for you, step by step. If you do this you will know when the time is right to make some changes. Your sons have their own lessons to learn. Have faith that they are on their own paths, experiencing what they need to experience for their own life journeys.
I’m touched and very grateful that you have found my column to be so helpful and uplifting to you. Thank you!
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2011 Chaitanya Counseling Services