Hey Hunt,
I was in a situation a couple of weeks ago that I didn’t know how to handle and I hope you can help. I was out at a bar with a group of friends. It ended up being three couples and me. Normally it’s okay because I know them all and we get along but this time it made me uncomfortable. There was a pretty waitress at the place and I said how cute she was to my friends. They told me to go talk to her. I am not very good at approaching girls and am sort of shy. I didn’t want to do it because I was having fun with my friends but they kept pestering me to do it and eventually the girl noticed my friends pointing at her and whispering to me and stuff. I was so embarrassed and pissed that my friends had ruined at good night for me and now I look like a fool in her eyes. What should I have done?
– P.O.’d at missed opportunity
Dear P.O.’d at Missed Opportunity,
**Sigh** Friends… They are obviously bright spots in our lives, but sometimes we wish we could smack them. I can imagine how uncomfortable they made you when all you wanted was a fun night out. What should you have done? Well I’m not sure whether you mean about the girl or about your boorish friends. If you just wanted to get your friends to shut up, I would have tried the honest approach first, with humor.
“Ha ha, thanks guys. I appreciated you looking out for me! But tonight I’m just in a mood to chill with my buds. I’ll let you guys try to set me up another night, but for now, let’s just hang out.” If that didn’t work, a little more direct: “Guys, I came out to have fun and you are making this not fun. Please let it go.” If that doesn’t work, you might need to find some new friends if they won’t respect your wishes.
If you were asking what you should have done with our lovely lass, well, your friends acting like idiots could have actually given you an “in.” Even if the lady of desire had noticed your friends trying to goad you on, you’re still not out of the running. You walk up to her and very nicely say, “I’m sorry, but my idiot friends over there (point to them and wave) keep harassing me to talk to you. In an effort to shut them up, I just wanted to say “hi.” However, if you want to help me to really shut them up, feel free to come over if you’d like and chat. My name’s ___btw. Thanks for being a good sport.” Then walk away.
You’ve used your friends’ uncouth behavior as ammo for you to talk to the girl. You’ve shown her that you’re confident and you’ve probably made her laugh and intrigued. If she doesn’t come over, you’ve already fulfilled your part of the “bargain” to your friends, so you can continue to enjoy your night. And more than likely, she’ll come over, if for no other reason than to help you look good in front of your friends. So it’s a win-win for you. Good luck next time!
– Hunt
Hey Hunt,
What is a good response when you have a date with a guy and he calls you and says, “What did you have in mind?” or “What would you like to do?” or “Where would you like to go?”
I realize that this is a considerate guy, who likely values your opinion, but most women like a man with a plan… and usually on a first date, I want to see what he suggests. It’s a test of sorts. If he suggests something really good and unique, I’m impressed. So what is a good way to respond to this? – Mindy
Dear Mindy,
Well, men are brought up (or should have been) learning that our job is to make sure the woman is happy. When we ask you, we are trying to find out what your likes are. A lot of time, we are terrified that we will make the wrong choice. We’ll choose Thai food and you’re allergic to sesame seeds or a rooftop bar only to find out you are afraid of heights. So we’ll ask, hoping that you can give us some idea. If it’s not what you want, at least letting us know what you don’t want is also helpful.
I understand that you want the man to be confident and pick for you, but we could use a little help. When he asks you, just give him some categories. Help him narrow it down. Say something like, “Well, food-wise, I really don’t like sushi or Italian, but everything else is good.” Or, “Well, I like art exhibitions, wine and cheese events and museums.” That way it gives the guy an area to shoot for. Guys, if you’re listening, should always make multiple plans. Think of two or three possible restaurants you’d like to go to and make reservations at all of them. When you meet her, you can ask her which of the three she’d like and it shows you have done a lot of work thinking and planning for it. After dinner, also have multiple plans. Find a cool lounge, a nice coffee shop, a place where live music is played, or if it’s nice out, what events are happening in parks. That way, depending on her mood or interests, you’ve got something ready for her. And again, it shows how much work you have put into the date and it will go a long way! – Hunt
If you have a question that you would like answered in this column or just need some good old advice, please email Hunt at info@huntforadvice.com or at hunt.ethridge@gmail.com. Comments also can be left below. Hunt Ethridge is a Hoboken-based dating consultant and a fashion writer. Currently he is the Senior Dating Coach at New York Dating Coach (www.newyorkdatingcoach.com).