“What are these?” the little boy in the Iron Man costume asked.
“Someday those will be very valuable,” I assured him.
“But I want candy,” he whined.
“Believe me, some day you will thank me.”
“You don’t hand out pieces of paper on Halloween, mister.”
His little sister, dressed in some sort of Princess Costume, held out her tiny hand. I placed a pristine piece of paper in it and she began wailing in disappointment. It sounded like a smoke detector gone berserk.
“That piece of paper is far more valuable than a Snickers bar, sweetie.”
Both stamped their feet and turned away in disgust. I shrugged and returned to watching football.
Sometime later, the doorbell rang again. I grabbed more paper from a pile on my desk. When I opened the door I was confronted by a group of furious parents. Let me say, this is what destroyed the true spirit of Halloween—parents tracking their kids’ every move, going through their stash, piece by piece, examining every item. Where is the trust?
“What do you think you’re doing?” one bellowed.
I certainly didn’t appreciate his tone.
“What are you referring to?”
“All our kids are upset. What is this stuff you’ve been giving out?”
A woman thrust papers in my face. Now I was upset.
“That ‘stuff’ may just be worth a lot more than chocolate covered peanuts, miss.”
“That stuff? Look at these. Junk bonds. Default mortgages. Bundled securities. Certificates of deposit getting .02% interest. AIG stock. Lehman Brothers stock. They’re not even in business anymore.”
“Technically they dissolved, but a resurrection is always possible.”
“They’re gonna have to resurrect you when I get done,” a rather large man stated. He resembled the Iron Man kid.
“You are a disgrace to this neighborhood,” another woman said. “We thought you were respectable, a loner maybe, but almost like us. We had no idea you were this…monster.”
I swallowed and tried to smile.
“I have some cheesecake I’d like to share.”
“My son is lactose intolerant, you sick sadist.”
I finally diffused the situation by giving away a good portion of my invaluable Marvel Comics collection. Now those are valuable papers. – Joe Del Priore