Dear Dr. Norquist:
I am writing because I find I don’t like myself very much. I tend to compare myself with other people, which usually results in me seeing myself in a negative light. Rationally, I know I have many good qualities. The problem is when I do focus on the positives, I end up feeling lonely. I am the youngest of six children and I think I have an “annoying little sister” complex. Maybe it just feels normal for me to focus on my negative qualities. I want to get past all of this negativity and move on with my life, but I find myself continually stuck in an almost sibling rivalry frame of mind in my relations with other people, especially friends. This attitude makes it difficult to pinpoint what things are really best for me, as opposed to seeing what everyone else is doing and then making my decisions. Sometimes it seems like the only way to ensure I maintain my relationships is to be caring and accommodating. This makes it difficult for me to nurture my relationships because I carry around resentments. I know it is immature to think this way but, as I said, when I am feeling good about myself and moving towards what I want, I feel lonely, not quite right.
Do you have any suggestions on how to break out of this self-defeating mental cycle? Thank you
Dr. Norquist responds:
Your question shows much thoughtfulness and self-awareness on your part, as well as the desire for self-growth.
It appears that this pattern you describe is related to both self-worth, and your habitual way of connecting with others. You describe two main interpersonal patterns you engage in when relating with others: competing/comparing and accommodating. Neither of these modes of relating is enjoyable, yet you feel lonely when you step out of these modes. My guess is that this is because you do not yet know how to feel connected with others (or with yourself) when not in one of these modes. It is human nature to keep recreating experiences of ourselves that we are familiar with and that affirm for us our customary experiential sense of identity – no matter how unpleasant the experience. The habit of comparing yourself with others, perhaps a result of competing for attention and affirmation as the youngest of six, is a habit that can never provide more than fleeting satisfaction. When we mentally compare ourselves to others, it is never an even playing field. We choose to compare ourselves in ways that are biased. Usually it’s a set-up to make ourselves feel less than others. Your other mode of connecting, that of accommodating, leaves you with nowhere to go with your own needs and feelings and thus you leave yourself out of the picture. Your modes of connecting with others are either by competing or by disappearing as a person. You do not yet know how to step out of these modes and focus on moving toward what you want, while still feeling connected with others.
The way out of this dilemma is to turn within, and learn to be with and honor who you are. You are not supposed to be exactly the same as, better than, or less than others. Neither is it your job to be pleasing to others. Your job is to shine your own light. It’s as difficult and as simple as this. Get to know who you are. Embrace who you are. Honor who you are. This is the way out, the way to a more satisfying life. Practice directing your attention, your thoughts, and your passion in this direction, over and over and over again. Make this your mental and emotional habit. Ironically, the more accepting of and comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be for you to comfortably feel connected with others. Try it, and let me know what you think.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services