Dear Dr. Norquist:
I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 2 ½ years. I left my home in Texas to move in with him here in Hoboken. I’ve been able to re-establish my career and make new friends here, but I’m increasing lonely in my relationship. My boyfriend has a stressful job, and when he gets home he is usually in a bad mood and wants to be alone, watching TV. Sometimes he takes his bad mood out on me – mostly by criticizing me. More and more I find myself tiptoeing around him and trying to please him to avoid him taking his bad mood out on me. On vacation this summer, we were able to have fun and really enjoy being with each other and I remembered why I moved out here to be with him. Now he is back at work and the old problems are back. When I bring up my concerns he isn’t willing to listen. He thinks things are OK – that I have no reason not to be happy. He refuses to go to couples therapy. I’m feeling lonely, discouraged, and unable to make this relationship work. What can I do?
Dr. Norquist responds:
You are a strong, wise, and resourceful woman to leave home and re-establish your career, your friendships, and your life halfway across the country. You are also wise to see how you are changing yourself to be with him, and to know that this isn’t the answer.
You cannot make this relationship work by yourself. Relationships are two-way streets. If you are not happy in the relationship, then this needs attending to by your boyfriend as well as you. For your relationship to be healthy, you both need to be able and willing to hear, acknowledge, and respect each other’s feelings (even if you don’t agree with them).
Since he is not currently willing to work on the relationship with you, you can focus instead on what you do have control over – your own growth. There is a place in you that is allowing yourself to be criticized and disregarded. When you heal this place, this will change. We all intuitively pick up on how another person will allow themselves to be treated. When you no longer allow yourself to be the recipient of criticism, then either your boyfriend will stop criticizing you or his criticisms will have no negative affect on you. He will be doing the dance alone, so to speak. As you change, you will no longer be a fit with the negative aspects of his way of being with you. When this time arrives, he will be faced with an opportunity to engage in his own growth.
So, learning to honor, respect, and love yourself is the place to start.
(Dr. Sallie Norquist is a licensed psychologist (NJ #2371) in private practice and is director of Chaitanya Counseling Services, a center for upliftment and enlivenment, in Hoboken.)
Dr. Norquist and the staff of Chaitanya invite you to write them at Chaitanya Counseling Services, 51 Newark St., Suite 202, Hoboken, NJ 07030 or www.chaitanya.com or by e-mail at drnorquist@chaitanya.com, or by fax at (201) 656-4700. Questions can address various topics, including relationships, life’s stresses, difficulties, mysteries and dilemmas, as well as questions related to managing stress or alternative ways of understanding health-related concerns. 2010 Chaitanya Counseling Services